the beach day one

Today is day 4 of vacation, and day 1 of the beach. I get to spend a whole week at the beach, today was bitter sweet. I found out yesterday I didn't get into the RN program, life back at home is a big mess and still seems to be spiraling out of control, and to make matters worse my car is having issues on Steve. It seems life if it isn't one thing, then it's something else. Today I was reunited with the beach. The last time I came to one I was engaged, in college, and had the rest of my life to look forward to. Now I come after being broken down, loosing a best friend, and desperately needing a vacation. It was oh so nice being reunited with the east coast shore. It's like a piece of home, that no matter how often I move or my family did growing up, the ocean will always be there, always was my escape from the rough teenage years. And now I am returning this week, spending time with family, actually taking a vacation for once in a blue moon, and desperately seeking answers on what to do now in life. I hope God will meet me here, mend my broken life, and give me answers on what's next.

life

life is spiraling out of control and i don't like it. thank God i am going on vacation in 3 days. i need time away to reflect on all the changes that have happened that i don't have any control over. i don't like changes. too many people get hurt when changes arise. oh well 3 days then vacation.

depressed?

I think I am depressed. Not the kind of being suicidal, just lonely. I am tired of never having a guy look my way. I have been on 2 dates my entire life in America, how depressing is that. Just 2! The one just wanted sex, and this last one, I thought was going to go somewhere then the asshole never even emails me or calls me back. That is why I am depressed. How much does one need to put yourself out there in order to say "hey I want a man". I am not looking at getting hitched tomorrow, just someone there for me, someone to love and share one's life with. Is that all too much to ask for? I fully believe that we are relational creatures. That it is not good for man to be alone, hello it does say that in the Bible after all. I want to spend my life with my best friend, problem is I don't have one. I want someone to talk to, someone that wants to spend time with me, to text me just to say hi, to share one's life with one another. Is that too much to ask for? It bothers me that people at work say I am a bitch, and when they see me outside of work (thanks to Kaytee's social life) they say that people don't understand me. What the hell is there to understand? I don't take shit from inmates, but I will do my best to give them the health care that they deserve. I think I am nice to the officers. Sure I have been stressed out and unhappy, but I am still a bitch. I think I need to go back to church and that might be a major part of my problem. AGHHH okay that is enough ranting and raving for right now. Just had to get it off my chest.

man of God

Is it possible for a person to come into you life and change you just in one encounter? I have been thinking that for a while now. I met one person, who makes me want to be better in life. One meal is all it took. An encouragement to return to church, to even recommend one. Me being the internet junky that I am googled the church and found this on their website: "A missionary is God's child in God's place doing God's work in God's way in God's power for God's glory." This may not mean anything to you, but it does to me. Because in a tiny village in the northwest mountains of Haiti, there is a missionary that has this saying edged into the wall. I found it on accident one day and it has stuck with me ever since. I believe I even have it written in my Bible and probably as a fb quote. I haven't thought about it in many of years, and then to come across it like this has hit me square in the face. To reevaluate where I am in life. Which brought me to the person I met all over again. The character he portrayed to me, was one of a godly man, a kind of man that I was as a spiritual head in my future family. It got me thinking about how the Word says "it's not good for man to be alone". I never have sat down before to think what I want in a man, but I want a man that will stand up and share his beliefs (religion and politics) on a first date, a man that asks to pray for the dinner, that speaks highly of his church. Anyways all I got to say is that I can't wait for that man of God to be revealed to me one day.

possibilities

Life has sure been busy. 2 weeks ago Lauren and Kevin's wedding, this past week up to Chicago to move my mom. Came home to a nice quiet house, or maybe not. I came home to my dog having a hair cut. It was awful, I was livid. Thankfully I am not posting this a few days ago or you would sure have an ear full...

So I have been talking to a guy. And we went on a lunch date today. It was fabulous. Hopefully more will come, but the ball is in his court so we shall see.

Happy Independence Day

The 4th of July stands out as one of my favorite memories of celebrating...in Haiti...yes odd I know. Every summer I was there all the American missionaries would gather together and go to Mole, a day at the beach with an American BBQ. It was as an American as you can get for being out of country. But surrounded by so many white people, celebrating your country's freedom, it's powerful. I wish I could turn back the clock, be debt free, and be in Haiti celebrating. Life in Haiti was carefree, peaceful, simple, I miss it.

July is here

Well we are officially halfway through 2010. It always amazes me how much life has changed in the past year, let alone the past 6 months. With July here life is getting more interesting. Kaytee is dating a Franke which speaks volumes, and Steve is dating a guy as well. I was thinking the other day, when is it my turn. It seems from my perspective that Kaytee and Steve have had people lined up talking to them, dates, and here I am. I have been here for 5 full years, in a month I will start year 6, and not a single date. Ok well take that back I was engaged part of it, and there was that African...so take that out of the equation and not a single date from an American Citizen haha. It's quite frustrating when everyone around has a significant other and I come home alone. Sure I may live with 4 other people, but that doesn't mean much except there is usually always people around. When will it be my turn? When will a guy see past my body and see who I usually am? Do I really come across as a bitch at work?

Right now all I do is go to work, stay up late doing math homework, sleep, wake up for more math, then back to work. It is a never ending cycle. But now that July is here I am halfway done with this math class! As soon as this math class is over it is back to the gym. Lauren and Kevin's wedding is next week. The week after I am taking Steve to Chicago and we are moving mom to a new place and doing some site seeing. Then when August comes around it is a 11 day vacation home which is so needed!