Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Psalm 100

Today I was talking to Baf about Thanksgiving, and found myself pondering the reasons behind this holiday Americans (and Canadians!) celebrate annually. Sure there were Indians and Pilgrims and now it's centered around turkeys and pies...but really why? And not soo much "why", but more "what" am I thankful for?

Steve and I were invited to 2 different friends houses for dinner. I declined both. I feel bad about having someone postpone their dinner with their families because of my work schedule. I also feel bad that our first holiday as a married couple I will be at the popo while my hubby will be at home sleeping in. Oh the joy of working in the health care field... I want to be able to be the wife that cooks this elaborate meal that my husband drools over just the aroma in the air. I want our first holiday together, to be in our own home, even if it is a later dinner and not the traditional Macy Day Parade, dinner and football games. So that's what we are going to do. It may not be elaborate, but at least there will be a turkey, stuffing, noddles, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, rolls, sweet tea and pumpkin dessert. We are going to have a small dinner, just the two of us, where we can reflect all that we are thankful for.

All month people on facebook has been posting daily status on what they are thankful for. It's been intriguing reading some of them. It got me thinking what I am thankful for. The top few things are: a God who loved me enough to give up His Son just to have a relationship with me; a husband who loves me unconditionally and makes me strive to be a better person; a job that I enjoy with a steady paycheck to pay the bills; a loveable almost 4 year old St Bernard puppy that gives me much joy and companionship; a warm house
that provides a roof over my head that I am able to call home; family that supports me and friends who make my day brighter.

Psalm 100
Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth.
Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the LORD Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the LORD is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

One Month of Marital Bliss

So this week has been one busy week at work, stupidity and MSR's gallor. It seems like everyone and their mom turned one in, which kept segregation a hopping. The plus side to this busy week, was Steve was home for 3 days. It was stinking fabulous, and it spoiled me a little bit. Just having him within shouting range, knowing that he is around, eating with him, and going to bed at the same time is a warm cozy feeling. It's like what life is really suppose to be like. So last night he was at work, and I was making dinner to take to him, and decided to bake him some pumpkin cookies Brandy gave me the recipe for. OMG they are little delicious piece of pumpkin heaven. I love baking, and just hoped that my cooking turned out as good as baking did. There is definitely a difference between baking and cooking. I am bound and determined to master cooking, and not just make edible food.

This week we reached 2 milestones in our relationship. Monday marked 6 months of officially being together. Today marks 1 month of marriage. When I write it out, it looks crazy. Like really, I married someone after only dating for 5 months? Am I nuts? HAHA nope, not when we have known each other for 6 years, have been roommates, and him being my best friend for who knows how long. Still it's a pretty big deal to me that we made it 6 months together, with the past month being the best of them all. I love being married to my best friend.

Sure it isn't always easy, especially with our different work schedules, me being emotional, finances, and his crappy health. People usually say their early years of marriage was the most difficult but blessed time of their life. You know when people marry young, and are still trying to settle into a career, where Ramen is for dinner due to not a penny to your name type of thing. I think of us, and I hope that this time is the most difficult financially. To where we both work full time, and bills are paid, but there is nothing really left after that. It stinks, to the point of depressing. It's like after bills are paid on Monday, we may have enough to get extra food for Thanksgiving, and well then Christmas season is upon us. So many dreams, but so little money; but mainly that's due to stupidity in the past due to bad managing of finances and inquiring debt and now paying the consequences.

But for us finances isn't even our biggest problem; nope instead it would be my husband's health. His poor arthritic hip has given him all sorts of problem with the ridiculous Missouri weather. I am afraid that he is also going through another flair up like he did this summer. He isn't always vocal with how much pain he is in, and with how pain is subjective, it's hard to comprehend just how bad he feels when he doesn't always show it. I was thinking the other day at work, how the first week of January is like a time bomb waiting to go off. That is when insurance kicks in, that is when he can finally go to the doctor and hopefully start getting answers to the looming questions in the back of our mind. I have found myself saying that there is nothing we can do till January, except pop pain pills and apply Bengay or Biofreeze...well that's when it dawned on me that I am relying of modern medicine to heal my husband. So now I find myself on my knees asking God to heal my husband's body or at least give him the strength to get through the pain and enjoy his day without being miserable.

The past couple of weeks I have found myself more emotional. A few weeks ago it was like an entire week of emotions. Thankfully it's not as frequently, it's more just at random times. Like on Monday when I was at Walmart with Lauri in the Christmas aisle and started tearing up. Randomly odd. Then there was the frequent nausea, the tenderness and the starting to be late period. If I didn't know myself better, I would say there is an option of being pregnant. The thought of having kids terrify me. Let me clarify, the thought of being held responsible for a little baby that can't communicate his needs, scares me. I would love to have kids with Steve though. But to clear the air, the pregnancy test is negative. However I am a nurse, and I am not niave, so I do know that sometime it takes awhile for the HCG hormone to be high enough to be read on a pregnancy test, and that some women never even show on a pregnancy test and have to have blood work and an ultrasound to confirm a pregnancy. But for me, for now, the test was negative and that is the story I am sticking with.

Well enough of my rambling post. I don't want it to seem like I am depressed. I am not. I have just been doing a lot of thinking recently (since I am a over analyzer and all) and needed a place to jot down my thoughts. And I am sure it's not even all of them lol.

I love my life. I love my husband and his painful body. I love that I have a job I enjoy, and that God has blessed Steve with a new job that he is starting in 2 weeks. I love that we have a warm roof over our head. I love my big cuddly St Bernard. I love that we are able to open our house in a week in a half to a dear friend so she can start over. I love that Baf is getting better and is able to get out of the hospital today. I love that Christmas movies are finally are on tv. And I love that I have this weekend off with my husband.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Today is an "eh" day. A day of feeling indifferent. It started out as a lazy day off, slow to start, just watching the puppies play and drinking coffee. Then as the day progressed I just got into a funky mood. I paid the bills for this pay period. I hate how quickly money comes in that it quickly goes out.

Can I just say I hate Steve going to work, especially on days that I have off. I think it would be better and different if we were on the same shift. But days like today it's like "yay a day off with my hubby...but oh wait only until 2pm". I think I should just be thankful for the time we do have together. But it seems easier to complain about it haha.

However I feel that I shouldn't complain. I have a God who loves me, a fabulous husband who loves me unconditionally, 2 adorable dogs, a good job that I enjoy most of the time, supportive friends, food in the fridge, and a roof over my head. I need to be thankful for this - especially because it is November after all.

On a brighter note, The Jones' household is starting the healthy bandwagon again. Steve wants to try a gluten free diet, and I think we need to just eat healthy and exercise. So no more crappy foods, as little to no gluten as possible, no processed foods, etc. Basically lots of fresh fruits and veggies and meat. So whatever crappy food is in the house now is it for a long time. Last night I made a Tuna Casserole. I sauteed some celery, and was definitely reminding how much I want to be able to cook and people actually enjoy what I make, and not just eat it cuz it's edible! I think I need to start watching the cooking channel again...

I am also looking at how to save money, so eating healthy will definitely help with the very limited eating out. Sorry honey no more Taco Bell! Maybe I should try the couponing thing. Back to balancing the check book as well. People keep saying I am going to have a honeymoon baby. The idea of raising a family and the debt we got makes me cringe. So it has me thinking that maybe I should start working on saving money/paying off debt. So that's what I am going to do. Can you say hello budgeting?!? Any ideas on saving money out there?

The past two-ish weeks I have been having problems with nausea. Nothing ever sounds appeasing to me, except toast. Tonight my dad called me and after talking to him the flood gates opened. The last time I cried was back in March when I finally admitted to Kaytee why I ran to DC. I am not a crier. I am not am emotional person. Today I am though. Ever since my dad called I can not stop the tears. My eyes are burning. It stinks. It makes me wonder...Nah.

P.S. I want it to snow and I really am going to start reading my new Nicholas Sparks book that has been keeping my love seat company.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Lucy Lou

So I have been looking forward to this weekend for quite awhile. Can you say hello 2 days with just my hubby and Miss Cady Mae!?! It has been much needed with the past crappy week. So yesterday we slept in, and was going to spend the whole day at home but my mom and her family are coming to visit today and the one thing she requested was a birthday cake. So as we were trudging over to Walmart we were having a convo on how one day I wanted to get a playmate for Cady. Well as fate had it, there was someone giving away free puppies. Steve stopped the car to look, and immediately fell in love. So our family of 3 became a family of 4 by adding a 2 month old basset hound/pit bull mix.

So far she is so taking over with the basset side. She's the same color as Cady and a SHORT hair dog so hello little to no shedding compared to my St. Bernard! She has cute little white feet, and the tip of her tail is white. Definitely tiny compared to Cady. She is definitely puppy with her whining at night, but at least it will prepare us for a baby one day!

Cady wasn't very thrilled with the new addition. She smelled her and then kinda hid in my room. Definitely odd for her since she usually loves other dogs. Maybe its because she's soooo small still. Or maybe cuz she knows she is sticking around. Anyhow I am sure it will get better as Lucy gets bigger and can play more. Right now she sleeps a lot!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Straggling a Fence

I have recently felt like my life is momentarily on hold. It's like I am straggling a fence, with one foot in my old life as a "Harris" and the other foot teasing my new life as a "Jones". Nothing seemed officially official until I can start writing my new name at work. I sign or use my initials at work at least a dozen plus times a day, so it's like my new life as a married woman is not official until I get to legally use my new name. I know I am odd. This week I finally got my new social security card in the mail, new driver's license and library card. I finally get to fax my name change into the State Board of Nursing and FINALLY today I got the notification that my nursing license was changed and I can finally use my new name at work. I even got a new badge at work today. It took me by surprise today when I saw "Jones, Ashley" on the time clock today. Definitely did a double take!

This week I also enrolled us in health insurance. It was overwhelming trying to think of what we might need in the next year health wise. Sad news is that it wont start until January 1st, good news is that in 2 months hopefully my hubby can find out what the heck his health problems are. I am concerned for him. Well concerned is an understatement. I feel like I should be able to conquer the world for him, to take the pain that he has away, or at least give him a diagnosis and some pain meds that actually give him relief; but alas I can't do any of it.

Today we got a joint banking account together. I love that our life is completely merging as one. The one thing I regret though is the debt. We both got it. It stinks. I want to have kids with him one day, so part of me thinks we need to start preparing for them. We can pay the bills now, but there isn't a ton of wiggle room. If I was to end up pregnant one day, it would be nice to have a little bit of cushion. So I am thinking of maybe doing a PRN job. A temporary thing to pay off as much debt as possible. I don't think Steve would like the idea though; but I am definitely keeping my eyes open to what's out there.

You ever have one of those days where you wake up in a crabby mood and every little thing bothers you? Yep, well that was my day yesterday. It didn't help that the night before we were at the ER, and stress of the ER is trying enough on a person, but then on top of it I received a call with bad news. The bad news made me livid, which caused me to go to bed and waking up on the wrong side of the bed. But all this said, I came home to find Steve having all the candles lit making me toast. I have been nauseous off and on, and toast has become my best friend. And he totally made my heart melt. We spent the evening together making dinner and well just being together. It's amazing how he can do something as simple as make me toast that just makes my day better. I never knew it was possible for one person to have such an impact on one's life.

I hate that we work opposite shifts. I am up and out the door by 6:30 am. When I get off of work, he is already at work; and when he gets off I am already in bed. It stinks. We literally can go days without seeing each other. Moments like last night, where we had the evening together because he was off, definitely reminded me that I want that normality. I want us to be able to work the same shifts, and actually see each other sometime during the day, like a normal family if you will. I have been holding my breath for a evening position to open up, but the 3 LPN's are definitely not budging. I guess I will just take our every other weekends off together and the random days in between and enjoy it while we can without complaining. The one good thing about us working different shifts, is that I come home and spend the evening talking with Baf. I love talking to her. I leave work every day looking forward to our nightly conversations. She keeps me company when I am home alone. I love her and can't wait for her to come visit me.