Thursday, May 26, 2011


Yesterday I celebrated my 24th birthday. 24 years ago I made my grand debut into this world. This past year has flown by, and my life has changed upside down. A year ago I celebrated my birthday by driving to Columbia to get my bridesmaid dress for Lauren and Kevin's wedding, then back home to get a new dryer delivered, Carigan giving up the surprise birthday cake, then work in the evening. At work my coworkers through me a mini party, I was truly blessed.

Looking back over the year, I am amazed at how much one person's life can change in 365 days. This past year of my life looks a little like this: went to Chicago with Steve, Myrtle Beach with the family, fell in love with Lily, started a healthy lifestyle thanks to MFP, lost 50 lbs, went to 3 spa parties, Christmas in Chicago, had 5 people and 2 dogs in a duplex, waded through 3+ feet of snow and spent many hours shoveling it, experienced the heartache from having your closest friend give up on me, celebrated a year of having my raccoon eye St Bernard in my life, left Missouri spiritually broken, but moved to Virginia and refell in love with Jesus, got blessed with a great job, watched Lily make her first steps and love her baby kisses, oh and yes found myself falling in love with an amazing man who sent me my favorite flowers.

This year I celebrated my birthday by getting a pedicure, eating a goat lunch, working a 12 hr shift, and a nice little dinner with the family. I am indeed blessed and thank God for the past year. There was a lot of heart ache and tribulations, but through God I overcame it, refound my faith in God and He has overfilled my cup with joy. I am looking forward to the next year of my life and seeing where God takes me.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Guy

I guess since it's official on facebook, then I should blog about my recent life changes. And let me tell you, it's mind blowing and God ordained. I wish people would see it as that, as how I see it. God has been at work for the past 6 years creating a love story that I can no longer ignore and tell God "no" to. 2 months ago God revealed to me who I was going to marry. It scared the living daylights out of me, and I argued about it for quite a while. But I got tired of saying no to God, tired of fighting it. So I turned it over to God, desiring nothing else but His Will for my life. As soon as I stopped fighting, I got a job. A job that usually is a 6 month process, and I got it from application to start date in less then a month and a half. When I stopped fighting it I saw my best friend for who he really was, who God had been revealing to me. What's crazy is God has been revealing the exact same thing to him at the exact same time. God's been changing his life, and I am so excited to see the man of God he is becoming. He is moving here and should arrive in T-minus 10 days give or take. Sure it will be a long road but a road I will be walking side by side with my man. I am excited to live the life God is giving us together.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Worth It All

Work's going fabulous, I am learning the ropes, doing medication rounds on my own, and learning bits and pieces of different African cultures from all my coworkers. Today I left work feeling chilled, as I pulled my coat on and got to my car and saw I had a missed call from Kevin. Finding it strange I called him back before I even had time to pull out of the parking lot. That's when he broke the news of Mr Fuller dying. I lost it. Usually I can contain myself better, but after getting off of a 10 hour shift, Babs death, and now hearing of a man of God that made such an impact on my life I just couldn't hold it in anymore. 2 deaths in one week, plus other very personal life changing events, it's been an emotional week. I feel sorry for Kevin having to listen to me blabber for a good 20 minutes during my drive home!

I know the past few months has been rough for CCCB with Mr Shantz being diagnosed with tongue cancer and Regina Green with the return of her cancer causing both of them to resign and go into retirement, and now these 2 deaths...anyways I found myself thinking back to my time at CCCB and remembered a song by Rita Springer that I fell in love with during my early years in Moberly. I hope is blesses you as much as it has me...

Friday, May 13, 2011

2 years

Today news rolled in that a dear friend from CCCB, Barbara Ann, suffered a heart attack while in church last night deep in the Australian plain that she called home. She was a friend that I loved to FB chat with. I loved her smile, her smile was contagious, always the glass half full, a listening ear, and bound to make your day better. She left behind a newly wed, just having celebrated a little over a year with her hubby. But she left this world to be reunited with her mother and to meet her Savior. She is dancing in the streets of heaven. This world is a darker place because she is gone. But heaven is celebrating for another one returning home.

Sitting here with a broken heart, I began to think back to memories of my CCCB days, and realized that tonight is graduation for them. Some friends of mine are graduating tonight, and I decided what perfect time then to watch the ceremony online. It's been 2 years now since my graduation. And oh my what has happened in 2 years. 2 years ago, I walked across the stage and received my diploma, the next day I moved to St Charles. After spending a little less then 3 months there I had enough, and moved back to Moberly. Back to my friends, my job at CMS, and a much needed time of financial healing. My time back in Moberly was great, a time for growing, finding financial stability, heart breaks with friends, but deepening relationships with other friends whom I miss dearly, and of course deepening my skills as a nurse.

2 years has flown and I just can't help but thing where I will be in 2 years. What will I be doing? Will I still be employed at the ADC of PWC? Will I have my own place? Will I have another niece or nephew? Will I go back to school for my RN? Will I go overseas again? Will I be married? I sure don't know, but I am holding fast to God knows and I want to just be able to say that in 2 years I will be in the Will of God. Where do you want to be in 2 years?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

HR, dresses, and purses oh my

Well I officially completed my 3 days of orientation with human resources. It was just me and a middle aged man former FBI agent that is now the newest jail officer. I got to watch him be sworn in, and together we got new badges, enrolled in benefits, got to go shopping for a whole new wardrobe, watched hilarious safety videos, and tons and tons of paperwork. This afternoon we were released from out human resource orientation, and tomorrow I FINALLY get to go to the medical department and start my hands on orientation and meet my fellow coworkers. I am quite nervous. I hate being the new person and having no clue where I am, where to put my lunch, the rules, etc. But tomorrow that changes all of it. Sure I get paid the last three days but ultimately in mind tomorrow is the "first" day.

Last night I went to David's Bridal and got the bridesmaid dress for Brandy's wedding altered. Yay it fit, well except for the chest was way too big. I wonder if the 50 lbs I lost was all in the chest haha. Yesterday Brandy had bridal shower. I moved halfway across country to be near family for these family occasions, but of course had to miss it due to work.

The best news of all is that I went to Target in search of black socks and black tennis shoes and only came out with a new black purse for only $7 on clearance. I am proud to say I now own 2 purses, which is huge news in my life!

God's working on my heart right now. I am seeing some things in a new light and maybe a "what if", and if I said it out loud I am sure many people would be shocked. I am very interested to see what the future holds, and if it has anything to do with what's going through my mind and heart, in which only God could ordain, well let's just say I have a feeling my life is going to be turned upside down.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

God's Timing

In one week it will be 3 months since I left my job at CMS and moved across country. 3 months can you believe it? In 3 months I have seen how important family is, but more importantly how I need to get my relationship with God back on track and rely on Him to provide for me. I was able to move with $4,000 mainly from my tax return. I knew I would be secure with continuing to pay the bills and what not for a few months. Well a few months came and went, 3 months to be exact. Tonight I just paid the entire month of May's bills, I wanted to get it all out of the way so I could focus on my new job I start tomorrow. I then realized that this is the last month that I have that I was able to pay for all the bills. Sure I have some money left over, but not enough to pay for all of Junes. As I sat here realizing it I realized how much God has provided for me. In 3 months I was offered 3 jobs, 2 of which I turned down because I knew that it wasn't for me, there was no peace, and as that happened I worried about the bills and money running out. But then this job fell in my lap that had the most intense application process, but through the entire thing I was at peace and knew it was the job for me. It took me 3 months to find this job in the field that I love, in just the right timing to where my bank account doesn't go in the negative. Well it's off to bed for tomorrow starts the first day of the rest of my life.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Proverbs 31 Woman

Last night Steve and I were talking, and I was joking that I am not "wife" material. He proceeded to ask me what "wife" material is and the first thing that came to my mind was a Proverbs 31 woman. The convo stopped soon after but later I was thinking about it and found myself looking it up. Sure I know how to keep house, do laundry, cook edible things but I want to strive after being a worthy woman that strives to please God and her family. Here it is:

(10) An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far (N)above jewels.
(11) The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
(12) She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
(13) She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
(14) She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
(15) She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
(16) She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
(17) She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
(18) She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
(19) She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
(20) She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
(21) She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
(22) She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
(23) Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
(24) She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
(25) Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
(26) She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
(27) She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
(28) Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
(29) "Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."
(30) Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
(31) Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

Isn't that beautiful? That is who I want to be, and for others to see me as.

It's Officially Official!

Last Thursday I got a call verbally telling me I was accepted for the position at the detention center. I held my breath to tell many people until I actually got the letter in the mail. It's seems much more official when it's in writing. Finally a week later I got the letter in the mail. It doesn't may much, but what it implies is a whole new chapter in my life. My last job had such a great impact on my life, it wasn't just a job, the coworkers became my family. And I am hoping that this place will have such an impact in my life. The location is great, pay is even better, I can now join a gym, and the only down side is working nights, but at least they are 4 10's instead of 5 8's! I am very excited to be going back to prison so to speak, to the point that it is just odd admitting it! It's a world that no one understands until they are in the correctional field.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I feel lonely, oh so lonely....

Bear with this post. I usually don't use my blog to write out my feelings, but have it as more facts of my day to day life. But today I need somewhere to spill how I feel, to write what has been on my heart for awhile now that I haven't really voiced outloud. This is random thoughts that make sense to me. And really who reads this?

“Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.”

Today I am lonely. Scratch that I have been lonely for 2 1/2 months now. Sure I live with my family, but I feel alone. I don't know anyone here. I have spent the majority of my time on a computer job searching, exercising some, facebook stalking and finding that I hate not having friends. I hate looking at my phone and thinking "who can I call" and no one person comes to mind. It's like I moved and left everyone, and I am now a small figment in their imagination. It sucks. And I don't want to call anyone, cuz they always ask "how are you, get a job yet?" No I am sorry I haven't gotten a job, no I didn't exercise today, no I haven't gotten dressed. Today I even considered going on craigslist and posting a add saying "friend needed" but there are creepy serial killers out there!

People ask why I haven't gone back to the singles group at church, and the answer is because I went and seeing everyone connected with people reminded me that I am alone. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of thinking of going out, but then thinking that I am fat, and I wont be able to make an impression on anyone. It's like I am the elephant in the corner of the room that no one notices. I found myself wishing today that I would have waited a year to move, because if I waited a year I would probably have lost the weight and have been able to move, to be skinny and be able to make friends. Because of that thought I had no motivation to go to the gym, but stay in my pj's and sit on the computer keeping facebook open just in case someone wanted to say hi. I thought about it on MFP that I have written 3 blogs relating to my weight loss journey and not a single person commented on it. I think that is why I have been so lax with my eating and exercising, because I don't feel like I have the support and encouragement to do so.

Don't get me wrong, I am not depressed, I just feel alone. I see my family everyday, but they are family, and the honeymoon phase is definitely over. It's like a long extended vacation, the first week was great, but then they got back to their life and I am just here. I was finally offered a job but have to wait until Monday to start it. I am hoping that it wont be hard to meet people at work and that I can finally feel connected. I miss feeling like I have a place in this world outside of my family.

I am after all a relational creature.