Bear with this post. I usually don't use my blog to write out my feelings, but have it as more facts of my day to day life. But today I need somewhere to spill how I feel, to write what has been on my heart for awhile now that I haven't really voiced outloud. This is random thoughts that make sense to me. And really who reads this?
“Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.”
Today I am lonely. Scratch that I have been lonely for 2 1/2 months now. Sure I live with my family, but I feel alone. I don't know anyone here. I have spent the majority of my time on a computer job searching, exercising some, facebook stalking and finding that I hate not having friends. I hate looking at my phone and thinking "who can I call" and no one person comes to mind. It's like I moved and left everyone, and I am now a small figment in their imagination. It sucks. And I don't want to call anyone, cuz they always ask "how are you, get a job yet?" No I am sorry I haven't gotten a job, no I didn't exercise today, no I haven't gotten dressed. Today I even considered going on craigslist and posting a add saying "friend needed" but there are creepy serial killers out there!
People ask why I haven't gone back to the singles group at church, and the answer is because I went and seeing everyone connected with people reminded me that I am alone. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of thinking of going out, but then thinking that I am fat, and I wont be able to make an impression on anyone. It's like I am the elephant in the corner of the room that no one notices. I found myself wishing today that I would have waited a year to move, because if I waited a year I would probably have lost the weight and have been able to move, to be skinny and be able to make friends. Because of that thought I had no motivation to go to the gym, but stay in my pj's and sit on the computer keeping facebook open just in case someone wanted to say hi. I thought about it on MFP that I have written 3 blogs relating to my weight loss journey and not a single person commented on it. I think that is why I have been so lax with my eating and exercising, because I don't feel like I have the support and encouragement to do so.
Don't get me wrong, I am not depressed, I just feel alone. I see my family everyday, but they are family, and the honeymoon phase is definitely over. It's like a long extended vacation, the first week was great, but then they got back to their life and I am just here. I was finally offered a job but have to wait until Monday to start it. I am hoping that it wont be hard to meet people at work and that I can finally feel connected. I miss feeling like I have a place in this world outside of my family.
I am after all a relational creature.
3 comments:
I understand how hard it can be to build relationships. Feeling like everyone already has all the friends they need & like they don't want any more. Terrified of rejection & just not sure you are up to the work of making friends. However, God designed us to live in community. Although it is hard, you have to get out there and meet people. Go to church and ask people to go window shopping or meet for coffee (you could get tea which wouldn't hurt your diet). At the church group ask if anyone knows any good walking trails and try to make an exercise date. Just keep putting yourself out there. Before we can be ministers of the gospel we first have to make relationships. I know it is tough (I've been trying to build relationships at our church & on our block), but you have to keep trying. I am finding more often than not people love to have new friends, they just don't want to bother me either! As for your weight, you are not defined by your weight. Skinny people are not automatically more approachable. People who smile and introduce themselves are more likely to be noticed. Force yourself to introduce yourself to others and ask them questions about themselves. I know it's really hard & highlights everything you left. However, if you don't you will only prolong the agony. God moved you here, now it is time to see why He chose to plant you in this mission field. You can't transplant your other field here. Be encouraged, He loves you & will continue to guide you! There are people here as well. Maybe this is part of your journey, learning to step way out of your comfort zone. I'm praying for you!
I understand Ashley. Just last night I was talking about how its hard for me to be here because I don't have roots here. And the people I've met are great but they already have friends they had long before me.
Its been on my heart that I need to lose weight. I would love to have someone to go on a walk with too...
I really am excited to move there and be there with and for you. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.
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