Ugh! I hate this. I hate being pulled in 2 different directions. I just don't know what to do. Yes I miss my life back in Missouri. I miss my friends. I think there gets to a point that your close friends become your family. I lived in Missouri for 6 1/2 years. They became my family. A dysfunctional family at that. Yesterday I was so sure that moving back was my answer. I even have 2 friends looking for houses for rent for me. I could start working next Monday morning. I began thinking of all of my coworkers that have helped my grow in my nursing career, the patients. The routine of the gym and work. Moberly was more then just a college experience for me. Basically the life that I knew for 6 1/2 years.
But then last night we had another family dinner. My parents are saying do what I need to do. My brother brought up the point of only being here for a month and not giving Virginia a fair chance. He wants me to give it a full year. And then if I hate it then I can go back. I was so sure of my decision, I even ordered a hitch to be installed on my car, and reserved the uhaul...
I was talking to Roxie last night and this is what I said in regard to my brother telling me if I left that I would be giving up. I said "Sure I might miss the stability I had there but with time I could get it here. And no I haven't given it a full chance. I think I came out here for a reason and I don't know what it is. And it's not in my control and I don't like being in control. But my going back that guarantees me control but not necessarily His Will? That's where faith comes in that He can have the control. I am scared I wont find a good job that I am happy at. That i will settle and not be happy. like settling for a nursing home. But God knows the desires of my heart and I need to trust Him."
Caitlin wrote this to me last night..."However, make sure that you aren't trying to go back to the familiar and safe. I know that is what I would have been doing had I returned. One song that really made me think was by Steven Curtis Chapman called "Burn the Ships" It is about the explorer Cortez and how after they landed in South America he demanded that the ships be burnt so that his men couldn't return to the safe and familiar. Maybe you need to burn your ships"
So I slept on it hoping that I would wake up to a made decision. But that didn't happen. I don't want to just give up but I want to be in His Will. This would be a lot better if I actually had something going for me here....ugh what should I do? Follow my heart and go back home or stay here and give it chance by burning my ships?!?
1 comment:
How do you know which direction is the right one? You told me when you started your journey out to Virginia that it was time for a change. Why do you think you said that? What lead you to think that it was time for a change? Your brother said that you haven't given Virginia a chance but how much of that is him wanting you there and how much of it might be true? These decisions are hard. Either decision won't be easy. I think you know what you want. I think you know the decision you want to make. The problem is actually doing it and saying yes, this is my decision and I am going to stick with it. How do you know that you didn't leave Moberly too soon...How do you know that moving to Virginia was the right thing to do? I'm not saying any of your decisions are wrong that you have made, because I don't think so. I just want to throw these questions out there to you in case you haven't thought of them. Sometimes a voice from outside the situation might be able to help...sometimes not, but I hope I can. You are a strong person Ashley. You are a beautiful person. Life can be difficult sometimes and I wish there was an email, or text, or something from God that would say Yes, this is what you are supposed to be doing. But that's not the case :( It would be easier though :) Don't give up on yourself Ashley.
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