Motivation, where art thou?

I know, I know, I know. Please don't remind me. I am sure you are sitting there rolling your eyes saying "she has said it several times in the past 5 months, and will probably say it again"...but I hope to not say it again. I am frustrated that in February I was rocking the healthy lifestyle, to them move across country, and bam get hit with the real life of not living in my little comfy bubble that I had created, and fail so miserably at the healthy lifestyle. Sure it took time to go downhill, and at the beginning I honestly tried to behave myself by going to the clubhouse, running around the block, eating healthy. But that quickly went downhill when the depression of not being able to find a job, no friends, etc sat in. The past 5 months there has been little burst of motivation, but nothing real enough to last a day or two. I have no motivation what so ever to use the free clubhouse, it's a tiny room with just a few treadmills, ellipticals, and bikes intermixed with a few weight machines. It's small and gives me absoultely no motivation. It majorly sucks. I realized two things the past 5 months, and that is I have to have a regular routine, and a workout/accountability buddy helps me. The success that I had in Missouri was due to me having control of what food was brought into the house since I did the majority of the grocery shopping, I felt like I had support of MFP, I had Andrea as a workout buddy and we managed to push eachother, I found out I loved the elliptical and even more loved a water aerobics class, and I had a very strict routine. This is what worked for me, and fast foward 5 months and I feel like I have none of it. I don't know how to fix it. I am always tired, thanks to working overnights, so when I am not sleeping I just feel like doing nothing except the errands that I need to do. I don't know when to go exercise since I work 7pm to 5am. Before work, when I could be taking my afternoon nap? After work, when the exhaustion is starting to sink in so I don't give a workout my full effort? Ugh I just don't know. I am scared that I wont get the motivation back. That I will gain all of the hard work that I did from October to February. That I wont feel beautiful on my wedding day. That will effect my marriage in the future. That I wont be able to have kids. The list goes on and on and on...I need to stop, well really I need to start again. I started reading the book "Master Your Metabolism" today. I am hoping that I can gain some insight from it. I am going to start counting calories again, eating the right thing, cut out processed foods and the occasional soda, start exercising again (even when I feel like hibernating). I need to do this for me, I need to do this for my future. I need to stop making excuses, to make a routine, and just do it.

Seafood, Love and License Plates Oh My!

On Friday my aunt and uncle drove through the area, so we met up with them then took a mini 3 hour drive one way to a little tiny seafood restaurant that was featured on the Food Network. It was a little place right on the dock, and OMG amazing fresh seafood. It was totally worth the drive, being stuck in the middle of the backseat between Jess and Steve, and oh yes the traffic, and my crazy uncle driving. It was a grand experience, very nice to get away, even it is was only for an afternoon.



Earlier this past week I kinda woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and was in a cranky mood. You know that kind of mood where you just want to argue with anyone that comes in your pathway? Well poor Steve got the brunt end of it, and I finally broke down and told him every single thing that I am concerned or frustrated about. By the end of the conversation, he FINALLY told me how he feels about me. Sure I knew it, and sure he has texed, emailed or fb about it, but the words never came out of his mouth. It's so different to hear it actual vocalized, it even causes this warm butterfly sensation. It brought a smile to my face, three simple words that can change everything.



Oh and we are official residents of Virginia. I have been kinda slacking on my responsibilities of being a car owner. So finally I broke down, got the emissions test, 4 new tires and Virginia license plates. So officially adios Missouri and bonjour Virginia.

Vivid Dreams

Last night I had the most vivid dreams of what life might be like down the road.  Particularly with Steve's health. It was one of those dreams that you wakes you up, but then you fall back asleep and return to the same dream over and over. Yep that was my night last night. And frankly the thought of it becoming a reality terrifies me. I know that if it ever happens that I am strong enough to get through it, but the thought of him suffering trough it is what's terrifying. I don't want to see him suffer like that, especially since it was so vivid.

The thing that sucks is that if be had health insurance then he could get this taken care of. He starts a full time job next Monday, so its only a matter of time before the insurance starts. But I am afraid that he is going to overdo it with working and school making it like an 18 hour day at least 4 days a week. I have joked with him saying he should just marry me now. That way he could have insurance and focus in school. But of course he is too much of a nice and traditional guy and is dead set against making anyone think he is taking advantage of me so he won't even consider it.  To me, it is like I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with him, and I know that according to the gov that marriage is only a piece of paper, but to me a marriage is a union of two people seeking to become one flesh in order to bring glory to God. So why not gwt married?!?

I was thinking late last night that the reason I am frustrated with is his health problems isn't because of him; but, it's because there is nothing that I can do about it. I am a nurse for crying out loud, it's my job to help people feel get physically better, and in this case all I can do is say "here is some otc meds". But last night I realized there is something else I can do. And that is to "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." So I may not be able to make him physically better, but I can pray without ceasing for him, because I serve a God that is the Great Physician and ultimate Healer that can do far more for the man I love then any physical doctor here oh earth might be able to do.

P.s. this guy of mine is changing me, to the point that I find myself listening to country music when I drive without him in the car....umm that's a huge thing....but Shh don't tell him I listen to it, because I kinda make fun of him for listening to it!

A Blur...

...that's what this week has been, or at least what it feels like. Maybe it's because it's been my long week at work, and I have one more night to go before 2 days off. Let me just say that when you work overnights, having just one night off doesn't cut it, most time is spent sleeping, or in my case forcing myself to stay awake to do various errands that makes the whole day seem like a foggy mess. My sisters and mom just got home last night while I was at work. The house has been peaceful, quiet and clean for the most part, but now that they have come back I am sure everything is going to turn upside down. It will be nice to have them back, but I am a tad bit concerned about my sleeping schedule being interrupted. See I sleep in the basement, and there is not insulation between me and the wood floors in the living room and kitchen. No insulation + someone walking = massive stamped of elephants (or so it seems). So we shall see how it goes.

Last night before I went to work we did a Harris bbq that for us 99.99% of the time consists of salmon, hamburgers, hot dogs and if you are lucky chicken. James and Bri came over with Lily. To make a short story short, I majorly got the vibe that Steve is intimidated around my brother. James is very protective of his 4 sisters, and his personality is a very quite one where he will observe you forever without saying a word...intimidating right? Nah... Well anyways Steve walked me out of the house when I was leaving for work, and as I was getting in the car, I said across the garden something like "see ya tomorrow...oh and I love you." The look on his face was priceless. I think it caughts us both off guard. It's something that neither of us has ever said outloud to one another. And I am a very traditional person, to the point of it's the man's job to initiate something. So for me to have said, out on a whim, without even thinking about it (which I have a bad habit of doing), it umm was quite interesting and I just wish I could have been on the same side of the garden as Steve, to really see what the emotions on his face was. But alas I was on the wrong side...

60 Days...

...that's how long it has been. 2 months, but I think 60 days sounds longer, and I am stubborn :) In the past 60 days my life has turned upside down. I cracked open the door for my heart and let my best friend in. In the past 2 months I have learned to open up and let someone get to know me on a more personal and intimate level. Something that I have never done to this extent. Some days it terrifies me. But most days it reminds me that God created us as relational creatures and even said that its not good for man to be alone.
Still I didn't know it was possible to care for someone so much. Speaking of him I am concerned for him. It's obvious that he has some kind of health problems going on. I may not fully understand the pain he is going through, but I understand that something is wrong. And it sucks. If sucks that I can't make him feel better. That is what I do for a living, I care for people, and the one person I care the most for in this world, there is absolutely nothing physically that I can do, except get on my knees and lift him up to the Great Physician.

Date-Date Day

So I can finally say that I can cross off the "go on a date" off my New Years Resolution list! Is it sad to say that I have never actually been on a date, and I am umm 24 years old, and I have been dating a guy for 4 days shy of 2 months! Yep I am quite pathetic to say the least. But since this was such a wonderful day, I feel the need to tell you all about it. So, you ready?

Okay, on Friday Steve and I went to Bethesda and had lunch with Caitlin. Steve has been wanting to see DC forever, so we were on the way down there, and of course it started down pouring. So we ended up showing him the city via the car instead of actually seeing it. At one point we were driving and I randomly mention how I have always wanted to see the Holocaust Museum. Fast forward to the end of the day, we come home, have an intense 2 hour convo on our spiritual life, then call it a day.

Saturday morning I woke up to some texts saying "are you awake yet?"..."go get ready"..."now". So I got ready, as of course Steve is refusing to tell me what we are doing, and he ends up taking me to Crackle Barrel, one of our favorite places. Then he tells me we are going on a date, our first "real" date mind you. But not just a date, but a date-date day. And our first date-date was to DC, but oh no not DC, but specifically the Holocaust Museum...just because I mentioned the day before how I have always wanted to do so.

To make a long story short, we ended up taking the metro in, did a lot of walking, saw the monuments, White House, Arlington National Cemetery and of course the National Holocaust Museum. It was beautiful sunny day, a little hot out, and fabulous company. It was a much needed day just for the two of us to get out of town, and spend time together without anyone with us. It reminded me of when we went to Chicago, or heck even STL, where it was just the two of us enjoying each others company. I think I loved it even more because Steve took the initiative to plan a day, by making it a surprise, and allowed me to spend the entire day with him away from our daily stressed with absolutely no distraction. I must say it was the perfect first date-date day and I can't wait for the next one to happen.

Modern technology

Little things in life make me happy. Little things like finally figuring out how to manage my smart touch screen phone without wanting to toss it out the window. Supposedly my Android is suppose to be a mini computer. So I started playing with it and lo and behold there was an app for mfp, and not just mfp but there was also one for Blogger. And since I am on a blogging kick how fabulous is that. Oh and of course this rambling post is being published on my little black and white smart phone. So needless to say I may hate modern technology at times, but it is slowly winning my heart over the more I understand its greatness.

Wake up and smell the coffee...

Last night after my emotional rollar coaster of a night, Steve and I talked for several hours. Some days I swear our convos go round and round in circle, but last night I think we actually accomplished something. Thanks to Steve I realized that I am not giving it a honest try here. It's like I have been counting down the months waiting for the bell to sound on when it's time to move again (thanks to the Army life I grew up in). Which is why in 2 weeks I will have been here for 5 months and how many friends have I made, how many small groups have I gotten involved in, how many times have I gone to Frontline, how many people have I walked up to and introduced myself to? Yep that's right, zilch. It's no wonder we aren't happy here, I mean after all "before anything else and above everything else we are relational creatures". So starting this Sunday, we are going to actually start trying. Actually start trying to settle into Virginia, and deep down try to make it our new home. And watch we will probably end up growing old here...

Today I woke up to the smell of coffee. It was splendid, and I don't even like coffee, nor did I drink it, but it was a splendid smell to wake up to. I have been on this weird cooking spring recently. I have made more meals in this kitchen this past week, then I have the entire 5 months of living here. Today I randomly wanted tator tot casserole, so what did I do, I raved the freezer and cabinets, and came up with a somewhat healthy concoction for it. Random I know, but it must not have turned out too bad considering almost 3/4ths of the pan is gone. I am looking for new ideas for recipes, got any to share?

Well it's off to work I go.

Roller Coaster

At this given moment I have a ton of emotions running through my head. I feel like at times I live on a roller coaster. I wouldn't categorize myself as an emotional person, maybe I am just tired, hmm who knows. Tonight I received 3 phone calls. 3 calls that makes me want to scream with emotions.

One call was from a old roomie. A nice and normal convo, that just makes me miss having friends in the area.

Another call was from a freaking fabulous friend to tell me that she is "engaged". I am sooo happy for her, she definitely deserves the man of her dreams. Even planning the wedding for New Years Eve. Crazy idea I know, but it's definitely her. It makes me oh slightly jealous, considering they have only been dating about the same time that Steve and I have been. She was telling me all of these fabulous things about them, probably more then I should really know about, and it makes me just want to go "sigh, I wish I had that". I know I shouldn't compare myself to any other person, or couple for that matter, but I secretly do.

The third call I got was from another old roomie. There is talk of a potential job that would require a move back to Moberly. At times I wish I was back in Moberly. I loved my life there. I miss going to Walmart and seeing familiar faces. I miss having that small town community feel. I miss my friends. I miss my job. I miss the gym and my gym buddy.

Simply put I miss my old life. I thought that with moving here I would enjoy being near family. I thought that once I got a job, I would settle into a routine, and actually feel at home here. But I don't. I feel like I am on a prolong visit. Oh well it's just one night of emotions, tomorrow shall be better.

Bad Habits

Ever since Steve came, okay probably more since I got back into the correctional field, my cussing has started up again. I try very hard not to cuss in front of my family, but I am so stinking comfortable with Steve that it seems to be a waterfall of words. I think alot of it is my work environment and because of when we lived with Kaytee in Moberly, well lets just say there was alot of not good things said or done. I am surprised that there really isn't as much cussing at the jail as there was at the prison. Maybe it's the city vs country folk. Who knows. All I know is I really need to wash my mouth out with soap.

I have also started in on this bad habit of getting a cappuccino on my way into work. Sure it's warm outside, but it's sooo tasty. It's odd because I am not a coffee drinker at all. I use to have about 1/4th of the cup hot chocolate in it to max the taste, but umm these days it's 100% cappuccino. At the 7-11 across the street from work they have a creme brule flavor that's yummy. Today I stopped at the 7-11 by my house and they have an OMG delicious raspberry caramel flavor. It was phenomenal. Let's just say I am kinda disappointed in Wawa's lack of yummy deliciousness.

climbing back onto the bandwagon

So today is July 1st. A new month, and a new day to jump back onto the bandwagon. I logged back onto MFP today for the first time in a long time, and I thought I would post my MFP blog on here for you to see as well...

I have majorly fallen off the bandwagon. I had lost all motivation. I was such on track and doing fabulous until I decided to up and move across country. When I moved I lost my routine and workout buddy, and a routine is what keeps me going. My life turned into job searching day in and day out and oh yeah kinda depression d/t lack of friends. But that's all an excuse. I would exercise a couple times a week, even still sign onto MFP but slacked majorly with my food logging. Over time it seemed like I lost my MFP support and eventually just stopped all together.

Beginning of May I got a job. Back in the correctional field as a nurse. I just finished orientation and am now on night shifts, which is a whole new ballpark for me. I don't know when to eat, when to sleep, and trying to do it with weight loss is um a total mystery to me.

The middle of May my best friend (and now boyfriend) moved across country to join me here in Virginia. I wish I could tell you the story of how we ended up together after a 6year friendship, but it's a long story and this isn't the blog for it! When he got here life seemed to turn around. I actually began caring again about taking care of my health. I think about the day we eventually will get married, and I want to be healthy and beautiful on my wedding day.

So here is July 1st, here is a new jump back onto the bandwagon. I am still adimant that this isn't a diet, this is a step by step process of living a healthy lifestyle, and I need you to support and encourage me in it. I have greatly missed my MFP support.