Goodbye 2011!

2011 is quickly flying out the door. Within a few short hours we will be celebrating the beginning of a new year. Well most likely I will be sound asleep when the new year rings in; however you can't properly say hello to the new year without saying goodbye to the old one. So here is a tribute to 2011.

The past month has been a blur. With 4 people living under 1 roof life's been crazy busy as we have all adjusted to living together. We celebrated Christmas with Steve's family visiting for a quick minute. We had a splendid time. I worked and it dawned on me that I had spent the past 4 Christmas's in segregation. Baf had her first Christmas with us. I got a beautiful and meaningful present from my hubby that I absolutely loved. And we enjoyed some great cooking from his mama. Yesterday I found out I had ringworm. Go me! Enjoy the couple of Christmas pics...but seriously enough about the past month...

This past year can be classified in one single world..."change". This year has been a roller-coaster of changes. It has been exhausting. I started the year off right, on track with getting my life healthy...thinking that I was doing the right thing by preparing to give up my life in Missouri and trek across the good ole' country and starting life over near my family. I left Missouri burned out, heartbroken and desperately needing a new start. I needed to get away from some stress. Little did I know that God would find humor in my plan and reroute it causing me to go full circle...during that 6 month sabbatical in the desert of the nation's capital I lost, reconnected and fell in love with my best friend and found myself driving back across the good ole' U.S. of A. returning to my nursing job at MCC but this time with a ring on my finger with the best road trip partner ever planning our future. I got hitched to my most favorite person in the entire world on a beautiful October day (in which I still say I won the bet...just sayin') and have been in marital bliss for just over 2 months now. Sure we have had our bumps in the road as we have merged our life's as one, but it's been worth it.

As 2011 was the year of change, I am praying and 2012 will be the year of panning out the bumps in the road. I pray that we will be able to figure out Steve's health problems; that finances will calm down and we will be able to pay off debt and grow a savings account; get back on track with striving for a healthy lifestyle; reconnect with my family; continue to fall madly in love with my husband and maybe just maybe start preparing for a growing family; but most importantly that I will make God first in my life and in my marriage. That's my goal for 2012.

Saturday Morning Cartoons

I am sitting here as I type this blog watching cartoons. I remember those many Saturday mornings growing up where all 5 of us kids would end up on the couches watching cartoons without a care in the world usually with a cup of hot coco and toast. Where eventually mom and dad would wake up around noon and we would make a family brunch; and as we got older we would skip the parents part and we would just make breakfast. Usually pancakes or french toast. Even this summer when I was in Virginia I still found my younger sisters watching cartoons in the morning with a cup of hot coco and toast. Some things never change, especially a good old lazy family day, without a care in the world. This morning reminds me of it. Steve is in bed sleeping thanks to some stupid stomach crap, and Baf, Cady and I are on the couches watching cartoons without a single thing planned in our day. I love mornings like this.

This week our home has went from boring and quiet to full of people. Baf FINALLY came to visit us on Monday. It seems like this time would never come, but she is finally here. I love just having her around. She has been a big part of my life the past few months. I think there was only a couple of days where she didn't keep me company in the evenings when I was home alone. I am now trying to come up with a plan on how to secretly keep her here... Jess moved in with us on Wednesday. She finally decided it was time to return to good ole' Misery. So she is renting out our spare bedroom as she is getting back on her feet and starting a new chapter in her life.

Thursday we went to Living Windows downtown. It was extremely boring and lame compared to the past several years that I have been. Oh well.

This past week at work has been rough. I had my first hanging last Saturday - successful for him, not for us with CPR. Sunday I had a guy on suicide watch who attempted suicide by cutting. He had multiple cuts up and down his hand and wrist and cut his right antecubital deep enough to expose his vein. I had a new nurse I was training all week and kept her hopping with more suicide watches, a new guy with Huntingtons-Chorea, 3 people who decided it would be fun to hit walls and break their hands, lots and lots of pepper pray, refusals of mandated TB meds, several self declare emergencies, death meetings and a ton of MSR's.

On top of it my headaches have returned full force. A few of them have them full blown migraines with the light sensitivity, nausea, dizzyness, etc. 4 of the past 7 days...not fun! Sleep is the only thing that helps.

I have been fighting with Verizon all week. I am trying to get them to waive the early termination fee. Considering I have been with them since 2005. My phone sucks in Moberly. I might as well not be paying for the data plan. Why have a smart phone with I cant use the smart part of it. Yesterday my lovely husband decided it would be a grand idea to reset the phone. What he failed to realize is I have to be in Verizon towers to reactivate it (which Moberly isn't thanks to the lovely extended network and Sprint towers). So now I am without a phone. I wont lie, it sucked last night. Today I am just like "eh whatever". The two people I want to talk to are in my house with me, so it's all good. Steve did go ahead and ordered me a phone through Sprint. It's suppose to be here sometime next week. I am soooo done with Verizon, even if I do have to pay the early termination fee, it will still save a ton of money in the end by having us on a family plan instead of two individual plans.

This weekend I am hoping to not have much go on. A nice relaxful weekend at home is just what the doctor ordered for the sick hubby, the healing Baf, and the exhausted me. LOL!

Psalm 100

Today I was talking to Baf about Thanksgiving, and found myself pondering the reasons behind this holiday Americans (and Canadians!) celebrate annually. Sure there were Indians and Pilgrims and now it's centered around turkeys and pies...but really why? And not soo much "why", but more "what" am I thankful for?

Steve and I were invited to 2 different friends houses for dinner. I declined both. I feel bad about having someone postpone their dinner with their families because of my work schedule. I also feel bad that our first holiday as a married couple I will be at the popo while my hubby will be at home sleeping in. Oh the joy of working in the health care field... I want to be able to be the wife that cooks this elaborate meal that my husband drools over just the aroma in the air. I want our first holiday together, to be in our own home, even if it is a later dinner and not the traditional Macy Day Parade, dinner and football games. So that's what we are going to do. It may not be elaborate, but at least there will be a turkey, stuffing, noddles, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, rolls, sweet tea and pumpkin dessert. We are going to have a small dinner, just the two of us, where we can reflect all that we are thankful for.

All month people on facebook has been posting daily status on what they are thankful for. It's been intriguing reading some of them. It got me thinking what I am thankful for. The top few things are: a God who loved me enough to give up His Son just to have a relationship with me; a husband who loves me unconditionally and makes me strive to be a better person; a job that I enjoy with a steady paycheck to pay the bills; a loveable almost 4 year old St Bernard puppy that gives me much joy and companionship; a warm house
that provides a roof over my head that I am able to call home; family that supports me and friends who make my day brighter.

Psalm 100
Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth.
Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the LORD Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the LORD is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations.

One Month of Marital Bliss

So this week has been one busy week at work, stupidity and MSR's gallor. It seems like everyone and their mom turned one in, which kept segregation a hopping. The plus side to this busy week, was Steve was home for 3 days. It was stinking fabulous, and it spoiled me a little bit. Just having him within shouting range, knowing that he is around, eating with him, and going to bed at the same time is a warm cozy feeling. It's like what life is really suppose to be like. So last night he was at work, and I was making dinner to take to him, and decided to bake him some pumpkin cookies Brandy gave me the recipe for. OMG they are little delicious piece of pumpkin heaven. I love baking, and just hoped that my cooking turned out as good as baking did. There is definitely a difference between baking and cooking. I am bound and determined to master cooking, and not just make edible food.

This week we reached 2 milestones in our relationship. Monday marked 6 months of officially being together. Today marks 1 month of marriage. When I write it out, it looks crazy. Like really, I married someone after only dating for 5 months? Am I nuts? HAHA nope, not when we have known each other for 6 years, have been roommates, and him being my best friend for who knows how long. Still it's a pretty big deal to me that we made it 6 months together, with the past month being the best of them all. I love being married to my best friend.

Sure it isn't always easy, especially with our different work schedules, me being emotional, finances, and his crappy health. People usually say their early years of marriage was the most difficult but blessed time of their life. You know when people marry young, and are still trying to settle into a career, where Ramen is for dinner due to not a penny to your name type of thing. I think of us, and I hope that this time is the most difficult financially. To where we both work full time, and bills are paid, but there is nothing really left after that. It stinks, to the point of depressing. It's like after bills are paid on Monday, we may have enough to get extra food for Thanksgiving, and well then Christmas season is upon us. So many dreams, but so little money; but mainly that's due to stupidity in the past due to bad managing of finances and inquiring debt and now paying the consequences.

But for us finances isn't even our biggest problem; nope instead it would be my husband's health. His poor arthritic hip has given him all sorts of problem with the ridiculous Missouri weather. I am afraid that he is also going through another flair up like he did this summer. He isn't always vocal with how much pain he is in, and with how pain is subjective, it's hard to comprehend just how bad he feels when he doesn't always show it. I was thinking the other day at work, how the first week of January is like a time bomb waiting to go off. That is when insurance kicks in, that is when he can finally go to the doctor and hopefully start getting answers to the looming questions in the back of our mind. I have found myself saying that there is nothing we can do till January, except pop pain pills and apply Bengay or Biofreeze...well that's when it dawned on me that I am relying of modern medicine to heal my husband. So now I find myself on my knees asking God to heal my husband's body or at least give him the strength to get through the pain and enjoy his day without being miserable.

The past couple of weeks I have found myself more emotional. A few weeks ago it was like an entire week of emotions. Thankfully it's not as frequently, it's more just at random times. Like on Monday when I was at Walmart with Lauri in the Christmas aisle and started tearing up. Randomly odd. Then there was the frequent nausea, the tenderness and the starting to be late period. If I didn't know myself better, I would say there is an option of being pregnant. The thought of having kids terrify me. Let me clarify, the thought of being held responsible for a little baby that can't communicate his needs, scares me. I would love to have kids with Steve though. But to clear the air, the pregnancy test is negative. However I am a nurse, and I am not niave, so I do know that sometime it takes awhile for the HCG hormone to be high enough to be read on a pregnancy test, and that some women never even show on a pregnancy test and have to have blood work and an ultrasound to confirm a pregnancy. But for me, for now, the test was negative and that is the story I am sticking with.

Well enough of my rambling post. I don't want it to seem like I am depressed. I am not. I have just been doing a lot of thinking recently (since I am a over analyzer and all) and needed a place to jot down my thoughts. And I am sure it's not even all of them lol.

I love my life. I love my husband and his painful body. I love that I have a job I enjoy, and that God has blessed Steve with a new job that he is starting in 2 weeks. I love that we have a warm roof over our head. I love my big cuddly St Bernard. I love that we are able to open our house in a week in a half to a dear friend so she can start over. I love that Baf is getting better and is able to get out of the hospital today. I love that Christmas movies are finally are on tv. And I love that I have this weekend off with my husband.

"Eh"

Today is an "eh" day. A day of feeling indifferent. It started out as a lazy day off, slow to start, just watching the puppies play and drinking coffee. Then as the day progressed I just got into a funky mood. I paid the bills for this pay period. I hate how quickly money comes in that it quickly goes out.

Can I just say I hate Steve going to work, especially on days that I have off. I think it would be better and different if we were on the same shift. But days like today it's like "yay a day off with my hubby...but oh wait only until 2pm". I think I should just be thankful for the time we do have together. But it seems easier to complain about it haha.

However I feel that I shouldn't complain. I have a God who loves me, a fabulous husband who loves me unconditionally, 2 adorable dogs, a good job that I enjoy most of the time, supportive friends, food in the fridge, and a roof over my head. I need to be thankful for this - especially because it is November after all.

On a brighter note, The Jones' household is starting the healthy bandwagon again. Steve wants to try a gluten free diet, and I think we need to just eat healthy and exercise. So no more crappy foods, as little to no gluten as possible, no processed foods, etc. Basically lots of fresh fruits and veggies and meat. So whatever crappy food is in the house now is it for a long time. Last night I made a Tuna Casserole. I sauteed some celery, and was definitely reminding how much I want to be able to cook and people actually enjoy what I make, and not just eat it cuz it's edible! I think I need to start watching the cooking channel again...

I am also looking at how to save money, so eating healthy will definitely help with the very limited eating out. Sorry honey no more Taco Bell! Maybe I should try the couponing thing. Back to balancing the check book as well. People keep saying I am going to have a honeymoon baby. The idea of raising a family and the debt we got makes me cringe. So it has me thinking that maybe I should start working on saving money/paying off debt. So that's what I am going to do. Can you say hello budgeting?!? Any ideas on saving money out there?

The past two-ish weeks I have been having problems with nausea. Nothing ever sounds appeasing to me, except toast. Tonight my dad called me and after talking to him the flood gates opened. The last time I cried was back in March when I finally admitted to Kaytee why I ran to DC. I am not a crier. I am not am emotional person. Today I am though. Ever since my dad called I can not stop the tears. My eyes are burning. It stinks. It makes me wonder...Nah.

P.S. I want it to snow and I really am going to start reading my new Nicholas Sparks book that has been keeping my love seat company.

Lucy Lou

So I have been looking forward to this weekend for quite awhile. Can you say hello 2 days with just my hubby and Miss Cady Mae!?! It has been much needed with the past crappy week. So yesterday we slept in, and was going to spend the whole day at home but my mom and her family are coming to visit today and the one thing she requested was a birthday cake. So as we were trudging over to Walmart we were having a convo on how one day I wanted to get a playmate for Cady. Well as fate had it, there was someone giving away free puppies. Steve stopped the car to look, and immediately fell in love. So our family of 3 became a family of 4 by adding a 2 month old basset hound/pit bull mix.

So far she is so taking over with the basset side. She's the same color as Cady and a SHORT hair dog so hello little to no shedding compared to my St. Bernard! She has cute little white feet, and the tip of her tail is white. Definitely tiny compared to Cady. She is definitely puppy with her whining at night, but at least it will prepare us for a baby one day!

Cady wasn't very thrilled with the new addition. She smelled her and then kinda hid in my room. Definitely odd for her since she usually loves other dogs. Maybe its because she's soooo small still. Or maybe cuz she knows she is sticking around. Anyhow I am sure it will get better as Lucy gets bigger and can play more. Right now she sleeps a lot!

Straggling a Fence

I have recently felt like my life is momentarily on hold. It's like I am straggling a fence, with one foot in my old life as a "Harris" and the other foot teasing my new life as a "Jones". Nothing seemed officially official until I can start writing my new name at work. I sign or use my initials at work at least a dozen plus times a day, so it's like my new life as a married woman is not official until I get to legally use my new name. I know I am odd. This week I finally got my new social security card in the mail, new driver's license and library card. I finally get to fax my name change into the State Board of Nursing and FINALLY today I got the notification that my nursing license was changed and I can finally use my new name at work. I even got a new badge at work today. It took me by surprise today when I saw "Jones, Ashley" on the time clock today. Definitely did a double take!

This week I also enrolled us in health insurance. It was overwhelming trying to think of what we might need in the next year health wise. Sad news is that it wont start until January 1st, good news is that in 2 months hopefully my hubby can find out what the heck his health problems are. I am concerned for him. Well concerned is an understatement. I feel like I should be able to conquer the world for him, to take the pain that he has away, or at least give him a diagnosis and some pain meds that actually give him relief; but alas I can't do any of it.

Today we got a joint banking account together. I love that our life is completely merging as one. The one thing I regret though is the debt. We both got it. It stinks. I want to have kids with him one day, so part of me thinks we need to start preparing for them. We can pay the bills now, but there isn't a ton of wiggle room. If I was to end up pregnant one day, it would be nice to have a little bit of cushion. So I am thinking of maybe doing a PRN job. A temporary thing to pay off as much debt as possible. I don't think Steve would like the idea though; but I am definitely keeping my eyes open to what's out there.

You ever have one of those days where you wake up in a crabby mood and every little thing bothers you? Yep, well that was my day yesterday. It didn't help that the night before we were at the ER, and stress of the ER is trying enough on a person, but then on top of it I received a call with bad news. The bad news made me livid, which caused me to go to bed and waking up on the wrong side of the bed. But all this said, I came home to find Steve having all the candles lit making me toast. I have been nauseous off and on, and toast has become my best friend. And he totally made my heart melt. We spent the evening together making dinner and well just being together. It's amazing how he can do something as simple as make me toast that just makes my day better. I never knew it was possible for one person to have such an impact on one's life.

I hate that we work opposite shifts. I am up and out the door by 6:30 am. When I get off of work, he is already at work; and when he gets off I am already in bed. It stinks. We literally can go days without seeing each other. Moments like last night, where we had the evening together because he was off, definitely reminded me that I want that normality. I want us to be able to work the same shifts, and actually see each other sometime during the day, like a normal family if you will. I have been holding my breath for a evening position to open up, but the 3 LPN's are definitely not budging. I guess I will just take our every other weekends off together and the random days in between and enjoy it while we can without complaining. The one good thing about us working different shifts, is that I come home and spend the evening talking with Baf. I love talking to her. I leave work every day looking forward to our nightly conversations. She keeps me company when I am home alone. I love her and can't wait for her to come visit me.

Mrs. Stephen Paul Jones

Well I did it. I got hitched to my best friend :) I didn't know it was possible to be this happy. I am so incredibly blessed. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding, in which for the record I won the weather bet, and on top of that we had standing room only. It blew me away just how many people came out to support us. I didn't get the final count, but it was well over the expected 50 people. Of course not everything went off as planned, but that makes for some great stories to tell our grandchildren one day. Like the lost shoes, the attacking bees, Justin throwing his sermon at us, the nasty communion wine, or my hubby locking us out of our house on our wedding night. Yep we definitely got some good stories to share down the road.

For our honeymoon we stayed around the area and got some good old relaxing in. It was soooo much needed. I can't even begin to tell you how nice it was to not have a care in the world for a few days. And it totally stunk having to get up this morning and leave my hubby sound asleep as I went to the popo.

So something odd happened during the time we had off. I fell in love with my husband's coffee. If you know me, you would be falling out of your chair as you read this, for thanks to Haiti, I so don't drink coffee. But something happened, and I actually found myself taking a sip of his coffee and a wowzer moment occurred. And thanks to the little timer button on the coffee machine, I enjoyed 3 cups of heaven before going to work this morning. Odd I know...

88 hours...

...and counting! So earlier today I realized that we are 4 days away from getting hitched, and if you look at it in hours we are exactly 88 hours away. That's like no time at all. Eek! The excitement has definitely started to settle in and realization has hit me that in 2 days people will start arriving. I have 2 more days of work, a house to clean, and people to welcome. It is soooo stinking close. And the giddiness and realization has definitely settled in. There is like a huge grin on my face...cheesy I know.

Yesterday Andrea and I got pedis and manis. It's been years since I have had nails on, and it is so odd typing! But it was so nice to get pampered for 2 hours. I was so loving the massage chair! The best news of all is that I found $9 wedge flip flops that are perfect with my dress.

Last night my besties threw me a "bridal brunch" for dinner. It was so nice having some of my closest friends together to celebrate my love life! It was a good mixture of work and school friends. It reminded me of just how loved and how much support I have.

P.S. I feel like it's Christmas. Presents are coming in. My parents are sending boxes of our kitchen stuff. And then the whole excitement of people coming and the wedding it reminds me of the anticipation of Christmas!

Just a reminder 88 hours until I marry my best friend!!!

One week...

One week...one week...one week...EEK! I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to marry my best friend in exactly one week. I feel like I am in a bit of a dream land to where it's hard to imagine that I am getting married in 7 days. It's just mind boggling. When I wrote out my New Years Resolutions on January 1st, one of my things was just to go on a date, a simple date. That's all. If someone would have told me on January 1st that 2011 was going to be the year that I got married, I would have laughed in their face. But seeing where I am now, I can honestly not imagine not having Steve in my life. Simply can not. People often ask me if I am happy. And I can honestly say, I have never been this happy in my entire life.

Yesterday I had my first "anxiety" freak out. I think that's pretty good considering we are only a week away. We were shopping for the last few items on our to-do list, and bam it hit me. The stress of everything. All at once. It was overwhelming and very hard to explain how I was feeling. I have tried to keep all of my opinions and feelings at bay, and it kinda got to the point that figuring out how much Tull was needed was too much for me to handle. And I almost snapped. Well I kinda did, but in a controlled way. Internally I was screaming for a paper sack to breath into before I completely broke down and cry all over the store. Externally I was a nervous wreck, constantly moving my fingers, very kind of like just taking an med neb tx. I's hard to explain.

I want to please everybody. I want everyone happy. A lot of people are offering their help with the wedding, and it's getting overwhelming. I can't take everyone's ideas, there is a limit to where I have to step up and say "thanks, but no thanks". It's hard for me to do that. But I am to the point that I don't know what I want vs what other people want. Does that make sense? However we couldn't have planned this wedding without the help of soooo many people.

I hate the thought of being the center of attention. And this is the one day that I will be the center of attention, not Steve, but me. Now that's anxiety in and of itself. Oh well.

My face is starting to break out a lot. It takes me to the good old days growing up. It's due to the stress. And it's ticking me off. And no matter how much I wash my face and use ointment's to prevent break outs, I still break out. Let's just say "thank God for makeup"!

I think I am starting to ramble alot, so I am signing off for now.

hello weather.com!

So since today is almost over, we are officially to the 10 day countdown. That's right the 10 day forecast is almost here and that means I get to pay very close attention to my wedding day weather - which I am forecasting as being sunny with a slight breeze and in the upper 60's. Beautiful weather! Yes I am very stubborn and am believing that it will be a fantastic day for my outdoor weather.

Last minute plans are quickly coming together. I honestly believe we will be able to pull off this shindig. I may be cool and calm on the outside but internally the "eek...omg I am getting married in a week and a half...oh crap" moments are starting to set in. It's hard to imagine that in 10 days I will be married and have a hubby. How odd to imagine. I got paid yesterday and had a bizarre thought that "next time I get paid I will be on my honeymoon!" I think I am more excited to just get away with Steve, away from the stresses of life, and just enjoy some time together then I am to get married. We desperately need some time away together. So soon!

Steve works in the evenings, and so I spend my evenings around the house and usually end up chatting with Brittany. I love talking with her. She has become a good friend of mine. I find myself excited to come home from work just to talk to her and see how she is doing. I am sad that she is sick, but happy that I have become good friends with her. I love you Brittany and am excited to come visit you soon!

Me love you long time.

Expecting a emotional love blog dedicated to Steve? Ha well that's so not what this is. But quickly let me update you on the wedding plans. My dress came in! Only two people have seen it, my friend's mom who altered the bust, and Kaytee. It needed to be brought in by a couple of inches. She did it last night, so now the dress is hanging in the closet ready to be worn. I have to wear heals with this dress, as it sits on the floor with flip flops; but with the heals it just grazes the floor and looks really good plus helps with posture. I personally love the dress and was thinking of going to Columbia and getting a shawl for it, since it might be a little chilly outside. But today Kaytee came over and saw the dress on me, and totally got the best feedback from her. She loved it on me and said it was perfect and that I was glowing. It totally helped ease my nerves. I am just so paranoid about it looking good on me...especially cuz all eyes will be on me. And might I remind you that I hate being the center of attention. And the thought of all these people watching me, just makes me straight out nervous. I am so thankful for Kaytee's reassurance.

Not many people know of how deep Kaytee's and my past is. We go back a long ways, even before CCCB. We have been there for each other in almost all of life's huge moments in the past 7 years. She has known me at my worse, when I was making stupid boy decisions, and at my best. She has lived with me in college, overseas, and here in Moberly. We have had crazy moments in outhouses, orphanages, hospitals, cafes, dealerships, etc. She knows me better then a lot of people out there. She has seen me grown up. We have had our moments, especially the past yearish, and I have greatly missed her being part of my life. She was my best friend. It's like a part of me had died, when we stopped talking last August. In the past week it got to the point of being too much for me, and I decided to stop being stubborn and apologize for our problems, and as a result we have moved on and started being friends again. It's like picking up where we left off before our problems started last summer. A huge part of me regrets not having her in my wedding. She deserved that maid of honor spot. And part of me wishes she was. Not a lot of people agree with that, but it's how I feel. But what's done is done. Last night I went over to her house, and I can't begin to describe how it felt to spend time with her, with a clean air around us. It's like good friends reuniting and moving on. It's like the old days. It was much needed. I can hang out with a lot of people, but it's never the same as just her and me. No one compares. It's hard to describe it for others to understand. We have both changed a lot in the past several months, and it's a good change. We have grown up, cleaned up our acts so to say. I am proud of the way she is raising Carigan and I am even more proud to call her my friend. Me love you long time Kaytee.

Anyways back to the wedding, yesterday after work I stopped by the beauty school and made hair/makeup/nail appointments for the 21st and 22nd. The overall picture is definitely coming close as we are making last minute plans. My sister bought her plane ticket yesterday, and the thought of seeing her and Matt in a little over 2 weeks is quite exciting. I am so ready for Steve to just start staying here at the house at night instead of leaving to go to his place. It's really getting old him living in 2 different places, especially when most of his free time is spent at our house or at work. It stinks when he leaves at night to go back to Kevin and Laurens. But in 2 weeks it will all be over. Anyways I am tickled pink that I get to marry my best friend in 16 days.

A West Chester Dress?!?

Yesterday I bought my dress from David's Bridal. Since we are doing a more informal wedding, I started researching informal dresses and got a tip to look at bridesmaid dresses and so the search began and guess what, I immediately found a dress that I instantly fell in love with, and for a fabulous price. The dress is a champagne color. I have never been one that liked the pure white dresses and always leaned towards the ivory color anyways, so this adds yet another element of personalizing the wedding. I love the color. There is a catch with this dress though. It's only available online, so I can't try it on in person. Well that kinda stinks, but luckily I have bought 2 dresses in the past year so I know my size in their clothes, and after getting a few opinions from my sister and my MOH, I so went ahead and bought it. This morning I got confirmation that it has shipped...and of all the places in the world it shipped right out of West Chester, PA itself. Now if that isn't a sign that this is the dress for me, then what is? Haha the thought itself cracks me up!

We got the professional engagement pictures taken on Saturday. I think I mentioned that in my last blog. We received 3 sneak peak pics, and absolutely love them! I am tickled pink that Leslie will also be taking our wedding pictures. Sunday we finished and mailed out the wedding invitations to our family and bridal party, every one else is invited via facebook. Monday morning we went to the county courthouse and applied and received our marriage license. It was surprisingly quite simple, a mere $46 and our drivers license, and bam you are eligible for marriage. I thought it would be much more complicated them that. We are only 3 weeks, a mere 23 days away from the wedding! The time is going by quickly and before you know it I will be standing in a gazebo, cuz the weather will be beautiful and get hitched to my best friend the Redneck style.

The last 6 work days I have been on evenings. It was a welcomed sigh of relief. I love evening shift. It is definitely my choice of shift. I love the hours, nurses, and even officers. Steve works evenings, so it would be oh so more convenient to work the same hours as my very soon-to-be husband. The last week has been like being back in the old days. I am crossing my fingers waiting for a position to open on evening shift, and with the turn over rate it will eventually happen, and you better believe I will be all up on it like jelly on peanut butter. However I must say that day shift isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was dreading it at first, but with settling into the routine of being the only full time nurse in segregation, and being out there by myself away from the medical unit, doing my own thing, it helps...a lot. Tonight is my last evening shift and I go back to my segregation day shift position on Saturday.

10-22-11 ...

...at 1 pm is our official wedding date. We are having the ceremony at the gazebo behind Spurling Hall at CCCB. The gazebo has meaning between us and goes back to the very beginning of our friendship in the Spring of 2006. We will follow up with a cake and punch reception at the Pioneer Room at CCCB. We changed it for a variety of reasons, one of which NOT being is pregnancy. People who think that obviously doesn't know us at all. Anyways that's a different story for a different time. But back to my wedding. Yesterday we sent out formal invites to our family and wedding party, but the rest of it will be invites via facebook and word of mouth since it's right around the corner. We are trying to make this a small and intimate wedding with just close friends and family. Sadly and frustratingly the majority of my family won't be coming, but that's when I am reminded of all the support that Steve and I have received from his family and our amazing friends. I was also reminded, after we picked this day, that it is my Great Grandpa Pat and Great Grandma Zella's anniversary date; what better way to get married then on the same day that my great grandparents did and was married over 70 years to one another. It's almost like a challenge to beat them in years.

Yesterday we took time out of doing our wedding planning and working, and ended up having professional engagement pictures taken. From the sneak peak we had, I have a feeling they are going to turn out fabulously. And the same person is taking our wedding pictures and I have all the confidence in the world that she will be able to capture the love between us.

We are getting married in 27 days. I don't know why, but it's stressful and not very enjoyable planning a wedding. It would help if I wasn't sick and feeling like crap though. Maybe it's because I am stubborn and a procrastinator at heart, or finances, or maybe because I don't like to be the center of attention. I am the logical and realist of the relationship, and so can't fathom spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on just a single event that will only last a few hours. A wedding to me, is a union between two people and God committing to merging two lives together. The marriage is more important then the ceremony. That is why I am perfectly happy with having a small and intimate ceremony surrounded by the people that loves us as they celebrate the union of us in honor to God. Anyways all I know is that I just want the wedding day to be here and to have the event over and to move on to our life as man and wife.

10 years...

8:46 am. A time that will forever be etched in American history. 10 years ago it seemed like the world was coming to an end, time seemed to stand still. Do you remember where you were a mere 10 years ago? I do. I remember I was sitting in science class, when the news came shattering down. But for me, it didn't stop there. For me, my family's life took a turn that day. For as soon as the Pentagon was hit, my dad received the called to head to D.C. to head up the repair of the communication lines... and thus started the weeks upon weeks upon months of him living in D.C. during the week and being home only for a short 48 hours on the weekend. We were living in Philly at this time, because of the city's location, alot of our fire fighters, police officers, and healthcare workers were called either to  NYC. A lot of our church members were closely effected by this tragic event. I remember the special services the church held that week. I remember a song that was written and sung that said something along the line that after the darkness the sun will always rise in the morning. That there is hope.

I remember a few short months after 9-11 going to NYC and seeing the destruction up close, it was erie. Just this summer I got to have a personal tour of the Pentagon and the memorial there.  It's hard to believe that 10 years has gone by. So much has happen since then, it seems like a lifetime ago; however, that  Tuesday morning is as vivid as ever etched in the hearts and minds of many Americans. I am proud to be an American.

A gold stove say what?!?

Well I officially finished my first week back at the popo. I loved seeing my old coworkers and getting reconnected. The good thing about the prison is most inmates are there for years, and a bazillion of them know me, not sure if that's good or.bad...  So its kinda a very strange welcome back thing. I am getting the very basic orientation, basically a quick refresher. Tuesday I take over and become the full time segregation nurse. I love my prison job. Strange i know.

This week at home Steve and I got a washer and dryer, an antique gold stove that looks like it should be in Ricky Ricardo and Lucy or Julia Child's kitchen, a very comfy pillowtop serta queen size bed and a living room furniture set. We are having quite an issue trying to figure out how to arrange the couch, loveseat and chair set. Windows and doors make it quite challenging with two OCD people! Our house is definitely becoming homey. I love it.

I keep thinking that I should be doing some wedding planning, but I just have no clue where to start. We have some details done, but not much. It's quite overwhelming. Last weekend we got some engagement pics taken. I can't wait to see them.

My Best Friend

Of all the people in the world, why do I want to marry Stephen Paul Jones? Dr. Stevens asked me this question during premarital counseling the other day and I found myself really pondering this profound question.

Out of all the men in the world, why do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? The first thing that comes to my mind is most importantly Steve is a man of God, who is actively seeking God’s Will in his life as well as in our life together. He is willing to confront his past square in the face just to be with me, even when it’s the most challenging thing in the world. It’s like he is saying “I Choose you, you are worth it all”. He is not ashamed of people knowing about his past, but more is willing to say “I screwed up but God changed me”, and now wants to use that as a testimony. I admire him for that. Steve has become the spiritual head of our relationship and I know that he continually strives to grow into that leadership role for our family.

Out of all the men in the world, Steve is the one guy that is willing to look me in the eyes and actually see past my “ticked off look” and actually get to know me. He takes time to find out what bothers me, and what makes me happy. He respects me by putting boundaries in our relationship to keep us out of trouble. He recognizes our weaknesses and knows how to not cross the line so that we please God. He is the only guy in this world that I trust 110%, and considering my past, that says a lot. He makes me want to be a better person. I want to make him proud to be his girl.

When I think of Steve and his personality, I see him being the perfect person to complete me. He can be quiet and reserved, but also be in charge when need be. He guides me in the ways of the Lord. He has stuck by my side through thick and thin times, the good and bad. Steve is my significant other; my second half; my strength and provider. I feel completely at home when I am with him, and homesick when I am away from him. I feel like I can conquer the world as long as he by my side. Quite simply I love him more than anything in this world, and I can’t imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. He is the man that I want to wake up to in the morning and say goodnight to at the end of the day. He is the man that I want to lean on and rely to guide me through life, to be my help mate, to have a family with, to grow old with. Profoundly put, he completes me and is my best friend.

Our first Home...

...sure we have lived together for the majority of the past year and a half, but this is the first time of us getting a house together. Making it our home.  The last two days we have cleaned and oh clean some more. Last night was the first night Miss Cady Mae and I have slept in the house...

I had been anxious about last night for quite awhile now. Anxious of sleeping in a house by myself, across town from Steve. Anxious about us starting our jobs and living separate lifes. Anxious of us growing apart instead of us growing together as an engaged couple. Throw in the stress of finances, becoming caregivers to a dear friend for a few days and utter exhaustion...well let's just say its been a roller coaster of an emotional week.

I wish we could continue to live under the same roof, but I know that we are doing the right thing. I love Steve, and I trust him and our relationship. Sure I am anxious to live with him, but for now that's after marriage. Cady and I survived our first night, including the multiple walnuts hitting the roof from our walnut tree.  But we survived, didn't sleep much, but we survived. For now I am going to learn to be content with all that God has blessed me with, rely on Him to get me through the day, and to enjoy this period of my life as an engaged couple.

A weeks worth of time

I am sitting in a hospital thinking just how much has changed in a simple week. Within a week I got engaged to my best friend, moved half way across country, refell in love with living in a small town community, remembered how grand it is to have good friends, found a house, oh and been to the ER twice. Yep its been a grand week.

Steve picked up the keys to our new house today. It's such a charming little house. I love it and can't wait to get in and start making it our home.

I frequently have been reminded just how great my God is and how much he has blessed me. It's quite overwhelming at times.  But I know I am loved and am in God's Will. It's a fabulous feeling.

First family roadtrip

Well its official...I can marry Steve...why I say this, you ask?  Well quite simply because we took our first family roadtrip with my gigantic puppy and didn't kill eachother. It took us exactly 20 hours  to make the treck from Washington DC to Moberly,MO. It was pretty uneventful minus the traffic, rain and yummy Chinese food with Roxie and getting to meet her fiance.  Steve and I talked for hours, I just love our long and epic convos.  I feel like I could talk to him for hours about anything under the sun.  I think we are really developing our communication skills.

We got into town at 4am.  Thank God for Andrea and letting us crash on their couch and watch Miss Cady Mae.  We had a pretty epic first day back.  Went to my favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch with Andrea, grocery shopping with Mindy Moo, house hunting with Lauren, and a nice homemade meal by Lauren and Kevin, followed with a relaxing evening together. I even found out Moberly has a new dog park. Overall it was a pretty awesome first day back.

I have constantly been reminded today just how much God has blessed me. I moved back with my fiance to our home, and repeatedly been reminded just how much friends and that community feeling is important to have. I love running into people I know. I love that my friends have become my family. Sure I may be stressed with settling down but I am genuinely happy amf content.

The Story of My Engagement

So you know life is a little busy right now, with finishing work, packing and preparing to move across country (3 days to go!). I have been mentioning to Steve that I really want to go to the beach one more time, and it just seemed like it wasn't going to work out since Brandy and Alex came to town, and umm the procrastination with my packing. Friday night before Alex and Brandy arrived, Steve went and asked my father's blessing for my hand in marriage. They had over an hour long conversation, and my stomach was in knots the entire time. Because the convo took so long, we didn't have time to discuss their convo before heading to dinner with Brandy and Alex. Let's just say as Steve is getting to know them over dinner, I am sitting there a complete mess just convincing myself that the convo went bad.

Anyways Saturday morning rolls around, and we ended up making this big family brunch, which caused our departure for the beach to be late. A normal 3 hour drive took 5 hours due to traffic. We finally got there around dinner time, had dinner at Grotto's Pizza. During dinner I notice that Steve is acting quieter then normal. I had been telling Steve all week that I wish he would propose before we moved back to Moberly, but I finally convinced myself that he wasn't going to do it. So anyways after dinner, we head to the beach. I just love the feeling of water rushing over my feet from the waves. We stood there forever, talking and hugging. I thought that everything was perfect in the world. Peaceful. The tide kept getting bigger and bigger, causing us to get wetter and wetter, to the point that Steve was like "let's move back some" and I am just like "but I like the warm water"... It was getting dark outside, and Steve suddenly turned to me and said "I made you a present", I was quite confused, but hey I will take a present!

He pulled out a slightly damp book that he had made for me titled "Do you remember?". It was a book about took us down memory lane of our almost 6 year friendship and then dating relationship. Half the memories I had forgotten, but it was so sweet to be reminded of it and going down memory lane. As I am reading the book, Steve is having to use his phone as a light so that I can actually read it. At the end of the book the words read if I would marry him. When I got to this point in the book, he started to pull a ring out of is pocket. Instead of crying or saying yes like a normal person, all I said repeatedly "you want to marry me? wow I can't believe you want to marry me? wow I can't believe you bought me a ring". Literally I was speechless, stunned and repeatedly repeated things that I am sure was giving a mixed meaning to Steve. Finally I remembered to say yes, he placed the very delicate ring on my finger (yes it fits, and yes I ABSOLUTELY love it). After some hugging I immediately said "wait wait wait you can't propose to me and not kiss me!" If anyone knows our history, you will know that he hasn't kissed me yet, respecting me and waiting for that first kiss to be absolutely special. So anyways he asked me permission to kiss me, and then of course he did it.

We stood there forever under the moonlight on the beach just being completely in love and in awe that my best friend had bought me a ring, and wanted to marry me. I am absolutely tickled pink and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. At this point we are thinking of a Spring wedding, so that we can move, get settled into our lives in Moberly (no we will not live together incase you were thinking), plan a wedding and most importantly get some premarital counseling and grow together spiritually as we prepare our relationship for a lifetime of commitment between God and us.

Eek I can't believe I am engaged. I was caught off guard at church today by the sparkle of my ring and found myself thanking God for the many blessings He has given me. He has blessed me with a man of God searching for God's Will in our life and I am more then honored to become his wife and stand by his side the rest of my life.

Procrastination

So my middle name ought to be "procrastination", for it suits me just fine and dandy. Plans were firmly decided on Monday that we were moving, and today is now Friday, and how much packing for the move has been done? Umm...none what so ever. Oh well I do have myself a 3 day weekend. But at the same time Brandy and Alex are coming home and I kinda want to go to the beach one more time before having to settle with the "Midwest Beach" aka the ecoli infested Long Branch Lake. Though I seriously doubt we will go with everything that has to be done.

As part of my procrastination, Tuesday I decided it was important to clean up my computer up, Wednesday I posted furniture on craigslist to be sold, and yesterday I decided that though we aren't officially engaged, and it's not rocket science that we are getting married in the fall, so I might as well start looking at wedding plans. We settled on a date that we are quite happy about. Now we just gotta get the plans rolling for the most important day of our life. I feel like a kid in a candy store, or even the anticipation of Christmas, just the eagerly waiting for the question to be popped and the actual day to arrive. I feel like I can't give out any information about the big day until there is an actual engagement. Crossing my fingers it will be one day soon. I am tickled pink to actually be starting the planning stage.

I can't believe we are to the point of being within our last week of East Coast living. I have 3 days off of work, then 3 days of work, then we are off racing across country eager to arrive back in our hometown. I am tickled pink to get on the road, and get out future started. Until then I guess I will force myself to be productive this weekend and actually pack. I just hope it isn't too stressful...

One Week

Exactely one week from right now I will be getting off my last shift at the Prince William County Manassas Regional Adult Detention Center. Exactely one week from now we will be hitting the road, driving across country, and starting our new but really old life again. I am so ready to get in the car and just go, to follow the big wide open blue sky...though the packing that hasn't begun would tell you otherwise. I am so ready to not work overnights again, yet I do enjoy my coworkers, but really no one compares to my Moberly coworkers who became like family to me over the years. I am so ready to have my own place again. I am so ready to have good close friends again. I am so ready to be in a small community where everyone knows everyone and all their business.

I may be ready, but I am starting to majorly stress out. Stressed out with living arrangements, my dog staying with Andrea, us with some dear friends, finding a place to call our own. Stressed out with finances was a huge part. However tonight I got an email from work saying I am getting an extra $855.11 on Friday because of Virginia taking out too my money for the VRS. Not sure why, but heck I will take the money, and in what better timing. PTL! So now the financial stress is dying back a bit. Then the stress of packing, and not just packing for a trip, but going through my stuff yet again and deciding what we need. I almost feel it would be best to set fire to all the stuff so I wouldn't have the stress of going through it. Of course we need clothes, but also what about pot and pan, dishes, tv, laptop, the dog, etc. Stuff we will need when we are there.

Then there is all this drama with my family. I don't understand why they can't be supportive of me and Steve. Sure they don't know Steve as well as I do, I don't really expect that anyone on this face of the earth does, but not a single person in my family has even really tried to get to know him. It kills me, because I am suppose to say how open and welcoming my family is. And really, they haven't been. I just want to tell them all that they better get use to hearing his name, because he will be a major part of the rest of my life whether they like it or not.

All I can say is that we are moving back to Moberly. And we are getting married. And I am to the point that eloping sounds better and better every day. Will I do it? Probably not. It's not about a legal piece of paper to me, but more a committment between Steve, me and God. I honestly can not see myself living without him. Quite simply put, I love him. I think it will be for the best of our future to move, be away from the stress of added pressure and be in a community that supports us. A community that we can raise a family in.

Home Sweet Home

Guess what! I am so excited to finally be able to say what my big "what if" is from the last blog. Steve and I are moving home...together. Home to the Midwest. Home to the land of Rednecks, country music, dirt roads, rodeos, and good friends. Today I was offered my job back at MCC, this time working day shift. All I got to to is pee in a cup for them and the job is mine. Can I say I hate peeing in cups? I know random thought. Anyways due to schedule conflicts the plan is for my last night of work to be next Wednesday night and then to hit the road after work early Thursday, August 25th. Can you say "yay" for a road trip, with the big cuddly St Bernard taking up half the car and wide open blue sky! It is sure to be the first of many family road trips.

There is quite a bit to do to prepare to move. I am already starting to stress about it. I wish I was like Steve where all I have to say is "yep, got the superman boxers, so good to go". No instead I am thinking of what we will need when we are there. The sad thing is that there is no hitch on my car, so no uhaul... So basically we are taking whatever fits in the car with the two of us and Miss Cady Mae. But at least I got Steve by my side to remind me that we really don't need it all, it's just material goods. Tomorrow I am going to start going through stuff and decide what to take, what to store for later, and so forth.

I know this road we are going to embark on wont be easy. It will be more difficult for Steve to face his past, but I know he is committed to me and have the faith that he will come out stronger on the other end. Finances will be a little tight at the beginning, but once we settle in it should be fine. It will be nice to have a job I actually love, with great coworkers. Oh and that little thing called friends and a support system. Not to mention it taking 5 minutes to get anywhere in town.

I think of the reasons why I moved out East, and what I left behind. I regretted moving before I even left. Thanks to that major snow storm a week before moving that cause me to have to wade in waste deep snow to get home in the middle of the night, it made me realize just how much love and support I had in the small little town. I don't necessarily regret moving East, because in the past 6 months I have found God again and deepened my relationship with Him and He has blessed me in return with giving me the desires of my heart: a man of God that just happened to be my best friend, who I just happened to fall in love with. Moberly became home along time ago, and it's somewhere that we want to get married, settle down and raise a family in.

What If...

...there seems to be several "what if's" being thrown around in the air right now. With mainly one big one looming overhead that very well may become reality or it may seem like a far off dream. I don't want to go into what the "what if's" might be at this point, but maybe on Monday I will. Excuse me for a moment, but this post is going to be alot of rambling as I try to clear my thoughts and get a sense of what is going on. Anyways back to the "what if's"...today I woke up after just a mere 6 hour sleep and knew we had to have a very indepth convo. So that's what we did. A convo that started off in one direction and several hours later ended in a completely different one. Usually in our indepth heart-to-heart convos I end up with peace knowing that we have grown stronger together just having those difficult talks. But today was different. Today left me with some hope and dreaming of the possibilities. There are pro's and con's to both "what if's", but it seems like in the end our heart is telling us one big thing while our mind might be telling us something else. I don't want to act out of emotions, but logically and rationally make a decision that is best for our future. The more and more that I dwell on it, the more that I want this "what if" of the heart to become a reality. It's soo easy to be attainable, like a light at the end of a tunnel. I can see the bittersweet end to that tunnel and I want to hop into the light and into the future of foreverness. As Steve said, life is too short, so maybe we should pursue our dreams and passions. I wish it was easy to know if it is God's Will or not. I wish it could be as easy as getting a smack across the head, a writting on the wall, a burning bush...but sadly life's not as easy as that. It may not be that easy, but I know that if we chose this "what if" of the heart that we will be okay and we will enjoy the life that we chose. A decision that will change the rest of our life together. I want us to be content and happy, is that too much to ask for? All I know is that I am going to pray without ceasing until we have the peace that passes all understanding.

90 days oh my!

It's a quite night at work. I guess everyone is holding it in until tonight when Tim McGraw performs at the Jiffy Lube. Country singers always tends to bring out the rednecks from the area who like to get a little too intoxicated and want to spend a night with me at the po-po. So I figured that with my little bit of down time I would update you all...

Can you believe that tomorrow it will be 3 months exactly since Steve and I faced reality. The reality that there was something there more then just our friendship, and that I quite frankly didn't want to spend the rest of my life living half a country away from him. So I agreed to court him. 3 months of falling in love with my best friend. Oh what a ride the past 90 days has been. Its had its good times and bad, but let me tell you I wouldn't change it for a moment. The biggest thing that has happened this past month is that he told me he loved me. It's a beautiful thing hearing those 3 little words that carry such an impact.

I rarely thing of my past up, but last night I was talking with a dear friend, and she was asking me if and how I knew that Steve was the one. I began to compare him to my past relationship, and the list of differences were shocking. Maybe because he is an all American made country boy... It made me think though that how different my life would have been if I would have given in and settled. And yes I really do believe that Steve is "the one".

A coworker asked me tonight when I was getting married. I told her hopefully after he gets done with school. FYI that's in 8ish months... Somedays I think that's forever away. Somedays I remind myself that we aren't engaged yet. Somedays, correction most days I can't help but wishing we had our own place again. I miss the days of us having our condo, our own space, with Ms Cady Mae. I miss having a clean place. I miss grocery shopping for us. I miss having my own stuff on the walls with curtains. I miss my old life. A big part me me wishes that I never moved to NOVA. That I was still in Moberly, working at CMS, having a workout buddy, having friends, and fabulous Mexican food, and oh my the country, where it only took 5 minutes to get to any part of town, and the train, and being able to go anywhere in town and see a familiar face. I miss it. But then I remember, that if I would have never moved here, never got my life back on track with God, then I would have never been away from Steve and we would have never dated. So I guess if it meant giving up my old life to regain my relationship with God and fall in love with my best friend, then moving halfway across country has been worth it.

Hello healthy bandwagon

Last Tuesday Steve and I started back on the healthy bandwagon, making it to the gym for 90 minutes, 6 days out of 7 and some very yummy homemade foods including a fabulous chicken salad, interesting turkey meatloaf and some mouth watering cod. I have found over this weekend that its quite enjoyable cooking with Steve. Speaking of food, back in Missouri, Andrea and I had this rule that we could have one cheat meal a week, which usually fell on Thursday nights when we ordered out at work. On Saturday I was craving pizza, and talked Steve into having a cheat meal. Umm the plan so back fired in my face because the pizza was nasty and my stomach so didn't agree with it! It's like a slap across the face reminding me that I don't need crappy food as a cheat meal, instead learn how to make it healthy.

I wasn't entirely motivated at first to jump back on the bandwagon but lucky for me I have a great man that knows the desires of my heart and knows how to gently nudge me into motivation. I love that we share the desire of getting healthy and are working on it together. We must have done something right the last week for he lost 2.8 lbs but I bypassed him with a mouth dropping 4.2 lbs. I think I got on the scale like 4 times double checking it! It was easy to jump back on the bandwagon this week thanks to it being my short week but I am kinda concerned on how it will be this week due to it being my long week...I know sleep effects weight loss, and during my long week I never sleep 8 hours in a row, but in short segments instead. But I am bound and determined to make this work, so we shall see. I do however feel like I for the first time since moving here am actually on track.

On another random note I have found that I love playing the role of a "housewife". Sure we aren't married, but we still live under the same roof. Little things like packing his lunch today, cooking for or even with him, doing the laundry, making the bed. Little things that don't mean much, but when it's associated with him I find I really enjoy it and find I pay more attention to the details of it (like my ocd of color coordinating his closet haha). I can't wait for one day to actually stop playing the role of a "housewife" and actually be one. Oh well patience is a virtue, right?

Hormones oh my

I am lying here in bed catching the end if The Notebook (fabulous movie) and realized it's been a few days since I have updated my blog. This week has been an emotional week for me.  Last Thursday I finally broke down and went to the doctor to get an annual physical and follow up on borderline cholesterol problems. I have been having an extremely irregular cycle for a few years now and keep putting off being seen about it. So finally I broke down and found a local doctor. He decided to put me on birth control for a three month trial to attempt to regulate my cycles and make them more bareable. I have been on it a week now and I can so tell a difference with my emotions and randomly want to curl up in  a ball and cry. As well as a loss of appetite and frequent nausea. Hormones are a flying and its so not me...Yesterday I got a call saying all test and labs came back normal and the cholesterol is down to normal. Thank you Jesus!

Steve and I have started going back to the gym and eating healthy. This week was my short week so it was easy to go to the gym, this next week is my long one and I am dreading having to figure when the time is better to go. I love the soreness I have after a good workout. I am so thankful that Steve is pushing for us to do this together, especially since I have more motivation with him.

We have spent some good old quality time together yesterday and today. We haven't done much, but it has been nice just to be together. I have found myself dreaming and craving for having our own place again.  I want and can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. A lot of things would be different if we were not living where we are, but I gotta keep reminding myself that God has us here for a reason.

Oh shout out to Brandy for graduating from LDAC!

Correctional nursing

Work has been plain crazy the past week.  Last night at work we were talking about the difference between our shift of nurses vs the other three shifts. Even custody has stated that they prefer working with us, it got us talking about why that is and what makes a nurse "a nurse".  There tends to be a few key things that stuck out, like straight skills, compassion, empathy, serving attitude, basically all about helping someone who can no longer take care of themselves. But in the line of corrections, what is the difference? I think it has to do with being able to see past the crime and realize that they are still humans with love ones out there. Can you look at a group of criminals and know one person is there for murder, one for rape, one for killing a innocent child, one for larceny, one for failure to pay child support, one for drunk in public, one for possession of narcotics with intention to distribute, one for burglary, one for a terrorist attack....can you know all of these peoples reason for why they are locked up and treat every one the same? While remaining professional, empathetic, but at the same time realize the majority is lying about their medical problems because they are drug seeking. Where manipulation is rampant, drug detoxing is a daily part of life while pregnant, and of course the standard high blood pressure, seizures, mental health, wound care, med passes, pregnancy complications, oh and of course cussing is of the norm...and don't forget safety and security in the back on your mind. It's a lot of triaging and emergency care. That in a nutshell is what a correctional nurse does. That is my job.

Motivation, where art thou?

I know, I know, I know. Please don't remind me. I am sure you are sitting there rolling your eyes saying "she has said it several times in the past 5 months, and will probably say it again"...but I hope to not say it again. I am frustrated that in February I was rocking the healthy lifestyle, to them move across country, and bam get hit with the real life of not living in my little comfy bubble that I had created, and fail so miserably at the healthy lifestyle. Sure it took time to go downhill, and at the beginning I honestly tried to behave myself by going to the clubhouse, running around the block, eating healthy. But that quickly went downhill when the depression of not being able to find a job, no friends, etc sat in. The past 5 months there has been little burst of motivation, but nothing real enough to last a day or two. I have no motivation what so ever to use the free clubhouse, it's a tiny room with just a few treadmills, ellipticals, and bikes intermixed with a few weight machines. It's small and gives me absoultely no motivation. It majorly sucks. I realized two things the past 5 months, and that is I have to have a regular routine, and a workout/accountability buddy helps me. The success that I had in Missouri was due to me having control of what food was brought into the house since I did the majority of the grocery shopping, I felt like I had support of MFP, I had Andrea as a workout buddy and we managed to push eachother, I found out I loved the elliptical and even more loved a water aerobics class, and I had a very strict routine. This is what worked for me, and fast foward 5 months and I feel like I have none of it. I don't know how to fix it. I am always tired, thanks to working overnights, so when I am not sleeping I just feel like doing nothing except the errands that I need to do. I don't know when to go exercise since I work 7pm to 5am. Before work, when I could be taking my afternoon nap? After work, when the exhaustion is starting to sink in so I don't give a workout my full effort? Ugh I just don't know. I am scared that I wont get the motivation back. That I will gain all of the hard work that I did from October to February. That I wont feel beautiful on my wedding day. That will effect my marriage in the future. That I wont be able to have kids. The list goes on and on and on...I need to stop, well really I need to start again. I started reading the book "Master Your Metabolism" today. I am hoping that I can gain some insight from it. I am going to start counting calories again, eating the right thing, cut out processed foods and the occasional soda, start exercising again (even when I feel like hibernating). I need to do this for me, I need to do this for my future. I need to stop making excuses, to make a routine, and just do it.

Seafood, Love and License Plates Oh My!

On Friday my aunt and uncle drove through the area, so we met up with them then took a mini 3 hour drive one way to a little tiny seafood restaurant that was featured on the Food Network. It was a little place right on the dock, and OMG amazing fresh seafood. It was totally worth the drive, being stuck in the middle of the backseat between Jess and Steve, and oh yes the traffic, and my crazy uncle driving. It was a grand experience, very nice to get away, even it is was only for an afternoon.



Earlier this past week I kinda woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and was in a cranky mood. You know that kind of mood where you just want to argue with anyone that comes in your pathway? Well poor Steve got the brunt end of it, and I finally broke down and told him every single thing that I am concerned or frustrated about. By the end of the conversation, he FINALLY told me how he feels about me. Sure I knew it, and sure he has texed, emailed or fb about it, but the words never came out of his mouth. It's so different to hear it actual vocalized, it even causes this warm butterfly sensation. It brought a smile to my face, three simple words that can change everything.



Oh and we are official residents of Virginia. I have been kinda slacking on my responsibilities of being a car owner. So finally I broke down, got the emissions test, 4 new tires and Virginia license plates. So officially adios Missouri and bonjour Virginia.

Vivid Dreams

Last night I had the most vivid dreams of what life might be like down the road.  Particularly with Steve's health. It was one of those dreams that you wakes you up, but then you fall back asleep and return to the same dream over and over. Yep that was my night last night. And frankly the thought of it becoming a reality terrifies me. I know that if it ever happens that I am strong enough to get through it, but the thought of him suffering trough it is what's terrifying. I don't want to see him suffer like that, especially since it was so vivid.

The thing that sucks is that if be had health insurance then he could get this taken care of. He starts a full time job next Monday, so its only a matter of time before the insurance starts. But I am afraid that he is going to overdo it with working and school making it like an 18 hour day at least 4 days a week. I have joked with him saying he should just marry me now. That way he could have insurance and focus in school. But of course he is too much of a nice and traditional guy and is dead set against making anyone think he is taking advantage of me so he won't even consider it.  To me, it is like I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with him, and I know that according to the gov that marriage is only a piece of paper, but to me a marriage is a union of two people seeking to become one flesh in order to bring glory to God. So why not gwt married?!?

I was thinking late last night that the reason I am frustrated with is his health problems isn't because of him; but, it's because there is nothing that I can do about it. I am a nurse for crying out loud, it's my job to help people feel get physically better, and in this case all I can do is say "here is some otc meds". But last night I realized there is something else I can do. And that is to "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." So I may not be able to make him physically better, but I can pray without ceasing for him, because I serve a God that is the Great Physician and ultimate Healer that can do far more for the man I love then any physical doctor here oh earth might be able to do.

P.s. this guy of mine is changing me, to the point that I find myself listening to country music when I drive without him in the car....umm that's a huge thing....but Shh don't tell him I listen to it, because I kinda make fun of him for listening to it!

A Blur...

...that's what this week has been, or at least what it feels like. Maybe it's because it's been my long week at work, and I have one more night to go before 2 days off. Let me just say that when you work overnights, having just one night off doesn't cut it, most time is spent sleeping, or in my case forcing myself to stay awake to do various errands that makes the whole day seem like a foggy mess. My sisters and mom just got home last night while I was at work. The house has been peaceful, quiet and clean for the most part, but now that they have come back I am sure everything is going to turn upside down. It will be nice to have them back, but I am a tad bit concerned about my sleeping schedule being interrupted. See I sleep in the basement, and there is not insulation between me and the wood floors in the living room and kitchen. No insulation + someone walking = massive stamped of elephants (or so it seems). So we shall see how it goes.

Last night before I went to work we did a Harris bbq that for us 99.99% of the time consists of salmon, hamburgers, hot dogs and if you are lucky chicken. James and Bri came over with Lily. To make a short story short, I majorly got the vibe that Steve is intimidated around my brother. James is very protective of his 4 sisters, and his personality is a very quite one where he will observe you forever without saying a word...intimidating right? Nah... Well anyways Steve walked me out of the house when I was leaving for work, and as I was getting in the car, I said across the garden something like "see ya tomorrow...oh and I love you." The look on his face was priceless. I think it caughts us both off guard. It's something that neither of us has ever said outloud to one another. And I am a very traditional person, to the point of it's the man's job to initiate something. So for me to have said, out on a whim, without even thinking about it (which I have a bad habit of doing), it umm was quite interesting and I just wish I could have been on the same side of the garden as Steve, to really see what the emotions on his face was. But alas I was on the wrong side...